why?

why do i put up with it
why do i even do this?
whats the point?
it's not getting me anywhere?
i could be doing something else...
i could be with him
i could have a job
i could do so muh more with my life
why do i spend it doing this?
ive been done for a while
all i want is out
but i know i will miss it
so i stay just to bei in for fall
whats the point?
is it worth all the money?
the stress?
 the heartache???
when did i decide this is what "I wanted?"
is there time to change?
i need to talk to somone who knows...
i need to know for myself
sincerely
just break me now....

date night!!!!

so i have another date
this time it's not blind
but i get to go with him again!
I'm super excited although we
have no idea what we are doing yet
ha ha oh the joys of being us :)
Sincerely,
in the moment

dream boy....

so last night i went on a blind date
call me crazy
but it was the best date i have ever had
with the best guy i have never met
he's from Orem
he's cute
tall
funny
loving
spiritual
can do magic tricks
plays instruments
is giving
kind to everyone
and is amazing
(just to name a few)
we went on a train all the way up to salt lake
even though we had to stand and walk the entire way we had fun
we talked about breaking out into song
trying to figure out "smurfs"
talking to strangers
giving hobos money
going to dinner
dreaming of horses and cubes
talking about warm rain
being obnoxious customers
best and worst dates
planning more
talking about lord of the rings and french toast
planning our Christmas breaks together
and everyone just laughing and having a ball
i was sad to see it end
i want to re-live it again and again and again
i was sincerely worried that there were no good guys left in the world
i think I'm finally done
i think I'm over it for good
i think i can honestly say i deserve better
and i think i want it to work out with him 
i still get scared but yesterday i wasn't nervous
i was happy and loving and myself
and all i could think of was making a wish in the fountain
i saw the castle
sincerely,
a princess in waiting...  

looking at a different world.....

yes i am dramatic and make a big deal out of everything!
(sorry it's who i am) 
but hey I'm a girl
i live and i over think everything everything
thank you Bradan for making me see both sides you truly are my best friend
i just am so confused as to what's going to happen
I'm confused about how i feel
i don't know what i want
or what i expect
or anything anymore
i just want to know what the heck is going through his mind
I'm scared
I'm getting anxious
i feel like somethings going to happen
but i don't know if i will like the outcome
i just would lie to hang out with him more
just to be more comfortable
but alas there is no way to get in touch
with him.... besides face book
i know this post has been about how i feel
but i just want to make sure that he feels the same way
because i don't want to be set up for failure
and i don't want to lead him on
sincerely,
i think but still unsure 

And So I Soared With Starlight....

i asked to preference
it didn't hit me till after when i was driving that i realized what
i had just done...
it was fun and very funny thanks to Alison and Sam
it didn't look as cool as i hoped but it was
still adorable to me... i hope he enjoyed it.
im nervous
im excited
and im just floating.....
im not really thinking about anything else but this
i want to go dress shopping
i want to try on shoes i want to feel like a princess
im just so happy
i feel weak kneed and i miss this feeling
thanks tanner for all the encouraging words and
how sweet you were and are!!!
you have always been my favorite amigo
i can't wait....
im excited
i just so sure that nothing but this matters right now
im just happy :)
imj seeing starlight :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5kqoC9zzOU&feature=player_detailpage

almost but not.....

today i almost got in a major car crash
but i didn't
today i almost died
but i didn't
i have almost gotten killed or seriously injured multiple times
but i haven't
why???
why haven't i?
why have i been so blessed?
why have i been given so many chances?
why do i get so many and others none?
i am blessed
not only that i am looked out for
i have a guardian angel
i have a spirit holding me and bounding me to this earth
i havechance after chance
for a reason unknown to me?
i am so gratful for these chances
and i haven't realized till now....
when i sat and held a baby and a toddler in my arms
and realized that they need me
and i need them
i realized that i have a purpose
ihave a meaning
and i have a reason to be here at this time
and in this place
i just need to find out what and why
sincerely,
touched by an angel
and searching for a sign

emotions

I'm really scared of what's going to come to pass
I'm scared of something i am unsure about
i am freaking out inside and i don't know how things will go
i am really just dreading everything right now...
i don't want to but i must
i do but i don't
i can't do this i just can't
I'm just hoping i end up to be wrong
wish me luck
sincerely,
a question out of pity

the sky"s my point of view...

homework
school
sacred
twitter pated
bashful
obnoxious
fun
stressed
annoying
unintentional
all words describing school
i have two major tests tomorrow that either make or break my grade
one in AP European history
the other in Pre calculus
I'm super scared i know I'm going to have an A in most of my classes but these
two are the ones that are on the edge
i have never been good at math
and history is all mashed together
i have been working so hard
more then i ever had before i care more than i ever had before
and yet i still can't get a 4.0
that's all i want  is one term where i can say i have gotten all A's
that's never happened to me
i was so close once i was .07 away from having an A in geometry ninth
grade year but when i talked to my teacher about it she wouldn't let me do anything
to get it up
i gave up
what's the point in trying if they decided your score anyways?
i tried and worked super hard and yet it never has happened
for everyone else it seems to but not me
I'm not book smart, I'm more of a people person
and i know that but i do try to do my best and don't turn in anything late
and i just want everything to fall into place
i want to go to a good college
i want to get a major in business and a minor in child psychology
i want to help teenage girls in eating disorder centers and i also want to own a cupcake shop
(contradictory... i know)
but maybe at different times
i really just want to be a mom
i love kids but i need something to fall back on just in case
i need a plan B and a plan C
i need to just graduate already!!!
oh well
for now I'm just liberal in my own little world
sincerely,
dreaming in the clouds....

end of the term

i don't think anyone realizes how much homework i have and how much stress im under
otherwise they wouldn't do the things they do
im mad
im frustrated and im done
yep and btw im grounded for being "mean"
when my sister was always like this to me but i alwys got punished for it
im done the end screw the world
screw them
and whatever else people are stupid and so are they
sincerely
im done with forever

umm so boys are complicated the end....

sometimes you need a wake up call...
sometimes i don't get everything i want
sometimes life is weird
and sometimes i feel really stupid
and sometimes i wish i weren't still
falling for you
and sometimes i wish you knew
but you don't
so I'm just awkward
story of my life
sincerely
i always seem to be unrequited
and broken to pieces

music while chasing cars

so I'm pretty proud of myself
i was super awkward
for sure
nut hey at least i got out of
my comfort zone
oh well
it was great... at least on my part
i don't know about him
but we talked about his band
his music
he actually cared about my opinion
it was grand
and who knows maybe it will lead to more chats...
hopefully....
and whatever maybe i just need to get out more
probably true
anyways ya dreams and such
ahhh i miss feeling twitter pated
and having myself catch my breath whenever i see him
or hear his name
i miss the excitement of everything :)
well as of right now everything is perfect :)
wish me luck :)
sincerely
I've got a one way ticket

only just a dream... or was it? :)

we sat we talked and we flirted it up!!!
OH BABY!!!!! :)
i haven't smiled this much in a long time :)
i havent' cared this much in a long time....
so thank you for talking to me :)
I'm in deep
head over heels
looking through a looking glass
instead of the real world
what an awesome weekend
conference
competition
sleep
and just being by myself in a world of my own
i like having peace and freedom to think
i like being able to listen to my own thoughts
without others getting in the way
i love how this weekend is fall break
i love how we have a lab in physics that we might have to get
together for :)
i love how blessed i am
i love how i can so easily find so many people to serve and how
i love being able to sit and listen to music and feel the beat
and story behind the melody
i love being able to see myself for what i am
and i love being ok with it :)
I'm grateful for modern technologies and medicines that help me
i am grateful for loving friends
i am grateful for my life and choices
i am grateful for being where i am
and where i know I'm  supposed to be
and i am grateful for missionaries who forget themselves
to put others first
i am grateful for service
i am grateful for the temple
and i am grateful for my life :) what a great one i have been blessed with :)
 sincerely,
i am more blessed then i realized
conference opened my eyes :)

clouds of color

i push
i fight
i give my all
i try to do everything
without having to fall
sometimes i trip
sometimes i stumble
just like in football
i feel like a fumble
i just can't sit here
i just can't get worse
but the sad part of it is
i know i can't get better
i feel like I'm stuck
i feel like I'm earthbound
i just want to soar
and i want to be able to see
i want to be able to feel
emotions
i want to feel something other then pain
i want to stop caring
but i know i can't
i want to just sleep
but somehow i just won't
i have homework
i have tests
i have more then one class
I'm overwhelmed
and I'm sick of everyone
sick of people
sick of drama
sick of school
sick of teachers
and sick of everyone and their dogs!!!!!!
sometimes can't we just talk without being judged
can we have a personal opinion?
are we allowed to think for ourselves?
i feel so trapped
i see nothing but through this peep hole
i want to open the door but someone has a lock and key
i want to just say how i feel
to everyone
to friends
to teachers
to guys
to special guys
to everyone
but i know they wouldn't understand
or even comprehend
i know how i think
and i know why.
sometimes i wish people realized i can think for myself
i can think logically ... trust me...
why can't people communicate?
why can't they talk to me?
why can't i just see why things happen?
why can't i know reasons?
why can't i understand things?
why does math exists?
why does no one care about learning anymore?
why can't i start my future now?
why can't i see past October?
why can't this week be done?
can't i just wake up?
September ended but I'm still in a dream...
why can't i go back to December?
why can't i change the past?
why did i do this to myself?
why can't i get better?
why does everyone seem to be standing still?
why can't people be respectful?
why can't people see how blessed they are?
why can't i go to the phillipines?
why can't i talk to my brother?
why can't we go on drives like we used to?
why can't i forget about my regrets?
why can't i see if she is ok?
why can't i talk to her?
why do i not want to?
why does she keep making the same mistakes even though
she knows the consequences
why doesn't she have better examples?
why couldn't i be an example to her?
why was she stubborn?
why wouldn't she listen?
why do things conflict with everything
why do we have to make choices?
why can't we see how philosiphers thought and why they did?
what made the middle ages so fascinating?
what is art?
what is good?
what is bad?
what is beauty?
what is this even about?
who am i?....
I am a daughter of a King
i Am a light to all nations
I am an example
i am one of the choice elect
i am me.
and thats who i'll want to be
but as for now....
im just a girl
living in this great big world
trying to fit in
find a place
and fix mistakes
im not perfect
but you aren't either
it's that simple....
sincerely,
there is more then just good and bad.
there are touches of beauty and color

an exciting rush :)

so guess what......
I asked someone to SADIE'S!!!!!!
i did it!
i got out of my comfort zone
made a creative cute scavenger hunt he went on
and had my lovely friend Tony help me with it ;)
i have been happy and excited all day!!!
it's been a long time since i have felt this good
but i think it needed to happen!
I'm SO amazingly happy and excited
i just want to know his answer...
we will wait and see so until then
i must help my fellow friends ask and answer :)
it's a good day to start a good week :)
wish me luck!!!!
sincerely,
i just had a Kodak moment :)

so much yet not enough...

im  doing everything i can
and yet it feels like i should do more
i feel like i need to just see a different light
but everything is overwhelming but it's weird
i like it but i don't....
i want to go to sadies but i feel so awk
i don't know how i would ask
i have an idea of who but who knows?
i just want to feel special
for once
i just want to feel like someones there
i want to see what im missing
i want to see why
i want to know how to change
but somehow i just cant
i just wish i were different
but i love the way i  am
i just wish everyone could know about my thoughts
but no one cares to ask
sometimes i wish people wouldnt use sarcasm
just some people its ok with others
sometimes i wish people wouldn't joke crudly
sometimes i wish people had respect
sometimes i wish people care
sometimes i just want to scream my feelings
sometimes i want to care
sotimes i wish i didn't
sometimes i just want to know
sometimes i just want to let go
what keeps me holding on for so long
i only wish it were far gone
i cant' interact under this spell
sometimes i feel like im in hell
who even cares about the past
i try not to
but we move so fast
i want to go back to the good old days
when evryone laughed and we all played
i want to go pack to last fall or november
and i thought i would Never say Never....

don't know what to say, expect, or want anymore...

i just need someone by my side i need a friend who understands
what happened? i just need you....  but I'm too confused to ask
i don't want to say i need you
i want you to know i need you.....
for future reference most of this stuff has nothing to do with one another
 just saying  but it's about a few specific things
 ya life just pretty much doesn't feel real at the moment

i want answers
i hate not knowing why
common sense
doesn't anyone have any of that anymore??????
my life is just turning into a big lie
why  you may ask? because people are lying
inside of it if that makes sense
i just wish somethings never happened
and somethings i never knew
and somethings i never want to know
i wish i had been smarter about my choices but i haven't been
and i pay the consequence everyday
but although my mistakes affect other people i never intentionally
do things to harm or do recklessly
I'm sorry if they have
idk everything's a jumble
i want a redo
but that will never happen
i need to stop before i bring up my past life
" its a quarter after one and I'm all alone and i need him now." 
i just want my prince charming 
SINCERELY,
sometimes i just feel like a Taylor swift song
</3 
btw this is my sonnet for English 
 

1)seeing a life of questions with much rebel
2)I'm looking and searching yet i stay still
3)lies and mistrust i feel so unsettled
4)why couldn't they tell us? the truth is real?
5)why are they gone so lost in damnation
6)living there life as free as one can be
7)but still they are unwinding unto our nation
8)there lies and lost integrity all to see.
9)irresponsible and yet i trusted
10)how could i have been so gullible to believe
11)that everything ended as what it must
12)wishing i had never had to see
13)what i only dreamed of the serious fright
14)had to be my nightmare tonight

shakespeare.......

a brilliant man filled with words spoken rhyme
but alas his writing is a little hard to recreate
frustrated and tired
i need to sleep
life is to busy for these frivolous things
you see it is pointless
and maybe up surd 
ive decided i don't like iambic penameter
i can write what i want
and it's similar to his
but its just not the same of what i wish
i need more time more lines
of more story i can't just drop everything
and say everythings dandy
i hate this assignent
with passing and fury
i hate as much as a jury on duty
i hate how he rhymes in a certain such way
i just want to write my own glorious way
this post sort of rhymes
in some certain times
i love how i see that it's just not to be
so long deaarest shakespeare
your words still live on
i just wish i could mimic your writing as song...

life in a boggle of emothions

so life's pretty hectic at the moment
school
guard
homework
more school
figuring out choir tour stuff
guard again
 work
and sleep.... (sometimes)
so first off i have had an amazing week
first by making pinterest in real life
then having guard
and going to cafe' Rio with amazing girls
then more guard
and partly just dozing in and out of consciousness
i know everything will work out
but sometimes
it's hard to remember the part that needs too
school is just in the way of my life at the moment
i feel so useless there
to them we are just a number
instead of actual people and it kind of bothers me
why can't they see that i really don't have time for there homework?
i all honesty i wasn't home for four days except to sleep
literally
it makes me sad but i know it's only for another moth or so
then life can come together and be normal again
i kind of just want to sleep
actually sleep and not have a million and one things going through my head
i want to live with no worries or regrets
i want to live with out all this stress
i need to see the light not dark
i need this journey to embark
i need you with me day and night
i need the answers of  this life
i need to see the coming light
i need to feel the warmth and bright
i just need to be me tonight
that's all i want
and what i need
but alas i sit and i just read
i read of sadness and despair
i read of lives i can not spare
i look and see the break of day
i see the people break away
i need not remember why nor how
but all i know is here and now
so here i end with my lasting prayer
knowing how and never fear

its my life not yours..

can't i make my own decisions
and not have to ask or have you tell me what to do all the time
it is my life after all and one night doesn't meant that much to me
honestly just let me make my own choices
and then everything will be fine
don't tell me no because you don't feel like doing
something or having to deal with something
 it's my job
life and i love it and I'd rather be with them then with you so let me be
good bye 
i will do what i need to
and not what you want me too...
because i know what i need and what i want and you don't 
so leave me alone
goodbye
sincerely me not you...

staring off into the distance

silence
words unspoken
feelings unknown yet known
a stranger yet i feel like i know you
just a stare but it feels like a connection
just a moment but i wish it were forever
just a slight chance but its worth trying for
just that one word... look... feeling
and suddenly you've got me wonder struck
confusion yet surety
peace and serenity
for that moment its just me and you....
and that's all i will ever need...

peoples mistakes and heartbreaks

so many people i know are getting married
 it's weird
its unsettling
its too soon
but it's also not my place to say anything
i love them all
i care about them
and i support their decision
but that doesn't mean i agree with it
what happened to the days in young women's when they taught
"support young men to go on missions"
"dress modestly so they can avoid temptation"
"be virtuous"
"be an example"
"have the goal for a temple marriage"
"strive to be sealed to your family forever"
"priesthood holder"
what happened?
why is all of this happening?
again?
does everyone just want to be independent so soon
that they just want to throw their lives away?
I'm glad they are getting married but have they ever
stopped to think of how they are going to pay for everything they need?
or want?
what about their education?
their jobs?
minimum wage isn't going to cover everything
i love them
i care for them
and yet this shock isn't going to go away
i have known for three days
i found out before his brother
now what?
whats next?

poems and life all mixed together

to those summer days of fun enjoyment
bliss
endless woe
and love
to the ones i miss
to the ones i kiss
to the ones i love
to you my one true dearest friend
to the days of frustration
to the days of glowing ends
i will see once more
eventually....
i need to just remember
but i also desperately need to forget
but why?
why must i force myself to act one way and not the other
to be someone Else's fallen daughter
to be the one with words unsaid
to be the one who's living but feels so dead
I'm lifeless but free
flying but earthbound
all over but still
I'm different
yet the same
closed but open
silent but out spoken
I'm confused on all those rainy days
and even on the bright and warm summer ones
so here's to you..
my life's true poem
my life's true feeling
and my life's one meaning

honestly i just dont care

this one is for you... you know who you are

through the eyes of a child

when a child sees you they look up to you.

 it's not about who you are necessarily but what you do.

your influence affects them and the choices you make

is the example that you set for them

i have the wonderful opportunity to watch

six beautiful little girls and two adorable boys

all with different personalities and differences.

 they each have separate dreams

but somehow they all come back to wanting to be with each other.

sometimes they fight, sometimes they laugh, and sometimes they cry.

but all i can hope for is that I'm making a difference in there life

as much as they are making a difference in mine.

i have always been scared of having kids

honestly i never thought i would have been able to handle it

but now looking in their eyes and seeing there spirits glow and shine

and there perfection it makes me think that maybe

someday i will be able to handle having kids of my own

which is all i have ever really wanted

but trust me that won't happen for a very very

VERY long time but

time just passes by to quickly to even notice

soon we will be going to our friends weddings

sending them off on missions

and seeing ourselves grow older with our companions

with our kids being in the possision we are in now

having midnight discussions

and seeing our kids grow and have to make there

own desicions without us...

and all we can do is hope that we are ready

and taught well enough to teach our kids

what our parents have taught us...

Sincerely,

where's neverland?

why do you even care?

please people if you have something to say to me say it to my face
I'm done with all your crap
so please be honest and don't hold anything back because i tell the truth
why don't you
sometimes the truth hurts and that sucks
but guess what lying hurts more not only others but also yourself
so please stop talking about me behind my back i know you are
please stop gossiping
saying things
and talking about things you really don't know about
you may think you do but i promise you don't
no one knows except my closest friend and she knows the whole story
behind everything
shes the only person i have ever told
you don't
so stop pretending like you do
i really just can't handle any of this anymore so don't bring it up
sincerely
i was done a long time ago

who new?

I went i drove and i had my little vacation
it started with the drive endless and tormenting
we swam at my grandparents and had Sunday dinner with my cousins
they told me that my cousin (who is my age) went to EFY
he was there but no saying anything for they were teasing him about this
girl he had met from American fork i asked for her name
i knew who she was
she defiantly knew who i was
she was the comfort zone project girl
the girl who took my picture
of all red
the one who made me think
the one who made me angry frustrated and upset
she was the one who hurt me
i told him about the experience
not to make her sound bad because he needed to make his own choice,
about her and i just told him what had happened between me and her
he look paralyzed in shock
he looked as if he had seen a ghost then he looked upset
sad in a way but upset in another
i told him it was no big deal that everything was fine
i told him to do whatever he wanted to
and that's exactly what he did
i never knew someone could care so much about family
someone would risk everything for one person
when i told my mom about the girl and what had happened she said
 isn't that the point of the project?
and she was right that was the point of the project
i realized a lot over that week.
too much to write in a post
but my cousin he cared
(not that my mom didn't it's just that he went the extra mile)
he explained he was my cousin and demanded an apology from her
and not just from text
he made her call me
i didn't know about any of this
he had left the house about an hour before
and my family was visiting some old friends when i got the call.
i saw the area code and wondered who would be calling me from Utah...
i answered they asked if i was Sabrina and i said ,"yes... who is this?"
they told me... in complete shock
she gave me the most sincere apology i had ever heard in my life
through the course of about ten minutes of talking and explaining
we settled things
i never hated her
i was never really that mad to be honest... i was just confused on why....
and then i realized it for myself
people do things not for themselves but for others to see themselves
but what  you do affects how other people see you.
on the verge of tears myself after hanging up the phone i just stared in shock
and realized family cares and family matters more then anything else but
on the same line family must have the mutual feelings towards one another
if there is conflict solve it... talk it out.... dont assume everything will be ok with time
it won't be it will only get worst 
trust me... i would know....
but it doesn't matter that she apologized
it matters that he cared more about me and my feeling more then his own 
he could have just blown it off
he could have just ignored it but he didn't
he did this on his own too
no one preassured him into doing it
it was all his choice
and he didn't care about what anyone thought because he cared more about family then some girl
i wish all family could be this way
but everyone has the choice of where they stand...
and i know where i do and that's all that matters
i have never been so proud
i have never felt so loved
and i have never expected that out of someone...
if only all guys were like that....
but they aren't so we just look for the ones who are
Sincerely,
changed by a moment in time

sunny side up please :)

counting down the hours till i leave to beautiful sunny california
VACTION
much need
sleeping on the beach
getting either a super bad sunburn or very nice tan
seeing family
going on walks
jumping in the freezing cold water
all it takes is a twelve hour drive and a whole lot of stress
to say aidios  to the weather of utah
and hello to my homeland
:) maybe see some old friends
maybe have the courage to talk to an atractive boy i have not met yet
life is full of maybes but it's when those maybe's become memories
that make them matter
it's the moment when you have a story to tell
a time to say remember when
a time for laughter, crying, inside jokes
and a time and place that will never be forgotten
it's my time
my week
my life
im going to live it
see ya later
sincerely,
i different then who i thought i would be

Through my eyes....

I come to the website often
i know it doesn't seem like it considering
i haven't posted in a while
honestly i haven't had much to say
but i have had a lot to think about.
i have a job
and i am grateful it keeps me busy
it keeps my mind off of things
i have guard
and that keeps me so i get my anger and frustrations out
i have my friends (specifically you Sydney ward)
they help me when i am down
and she stands me when i am exhausted and act crazy
i have my ward
they are Sweet kind people that know what to say and do
i have my parents that give me everything i need
i have people looking out for me
i have people who understand me
i have people i can talk to
i have people who i enjoy
and people i wish to get away from
i have my life that i have
and i have a life that i am working towards
i have the place of where i am
and i have a goal of where i want to be
i have the urge for perfection
but i know it has not been achieved
i see the lives of people ruined
and i have seen the lives of people blessed
i have that desire to be rid of this illness
but the scale begs to differ.
i have the want to be more
but i know i can't do too much
i run myself thin and eventually i burn out
i feel like i have had no break although i should have
i try to kill them with kindness but tears and hatred come instead
i have no regrets of what i have done
what i have said
or anything of the sorts
my life is mine not yours
so get out of mine if you don't like it
i really don't care anymore
about anything
and sadly about anyone
i care about the people i love and the ones close to me
but other than that i just really don't any more
i feel stupid trying to make something work that wont
i don't want it 
i don't like it
but i have realized that my life makes more sense this way
so here's to all you out there reading this or not
I'm sorry if i have ever offended you
or hurt you in some way
chances are i have but it was not intentional
but my words or actions were how i felt at the time and i don't regret them
because life is too short for WHAT IF'S 
and honestly i could possibly still feel the same way
and it very well may have been a one time thing
but heres what i know for sure
I'm not perfect
and neither are you
so stop acting like you are
and stop thinking that you are
i have a lot of blessings and i am very grateful
but just because i have them doesn't make me more or less of a person
i love
i like
i dislike
i tolerate
now just decide
which one you are and which one you would like to be
and so with seeing through my eyes i hope you see what you have meant to me
Sincerely,
everything you have isn't what you are

what a wirlwind....

I have been super (and i mean SUPER!!!!) busy these past few weeks,
Trying to do it all
Trying to make everything work
and honestly It has been so crazy that i simply don't care as much anymore.
Its been great being busy but sometimes you just want a break
I went to the temple twice this week even though i had so much to do
I still went...
I Needed it... that's for sure.
You don't know what you're missing till it punches you in the face
(isn't that how the saying goes?????)
It's been ridiculous
It's been crazy
but only for a short while will this continue.
School is almost over
I'm crashing faster and faster as life goes by.
I'm getting more and more tired
and i don't think I'm getting better...
but honestly i don't really care....
is that sad to say?
that i just don't care anymore?
I have lived life the way i have wanted to
It has been difficult but honestly i am proud of myself and of what my life has become...
I'm fine
I'm great
just sometimes i need a break
I need rest
I need to look at the picture
I need to be alone
I need to just think
I did that a lot this weekend...
I just chilled
and thought about my life
about people
about high school
about my future....
i just thought...
I don't hate anyone
i never have and hopefully never will
just sometimes I'm exhausted
it happens
oh well
nothing i can do about it...
but today i crashed for four and a half hours...
just catching up on sleep
i feel somewhat normal again
that's good right?
Oh well it's been a good weekend that's for sure :) :) :)
Thanks
Sincerely,
My life is starting to make sence again
PS please ask me you questions instead of other people
i can tell you, i will tell you, just ask me and please don't pretend I'm
not there.. because well i am that's all thanks bye :)

happy to be happy

today did not go as planned and honestly I'm glad it didn't
i went and had an adventure with some of the most darling caring FUNNY and super good friends of mine
i have never smiled so much in my life
i miss the good ole days
i honestly do
i miss him  more than any of you know
and it hurts sometimes more than it should
i know
i try to control it
sometimes i explode
sometimes i cry
sometimes i just stare into his eyes
and sometimes he stares back...
i long for it to be the way it was
but at the same time i want different
i don't want the same
i want the truth
I'm not a fake person
not anymore
i am who i am
and if you don't like that than simply walk away
because frankly I'm not going to pretend
I'm someone I'm not
you can wish for things to go back to the way they were but
I'm happy
i still wish
i still hope
and i still dream of him
(more than i should)
but i do
 (hey at least I'm honest
 because the one thing i can't stand in this world is a liar
and I'm not a hypocrite) 
today has probably been the first time i have smiled for me
in a few years
i miss being happy
i miss smiling because i wanted to not because i was forced to
i miss being me
all i want is a break
just six months
that's all i ask for
just a vacation with no troubles
no worries
no strife
just laughter
and smiles
and him
that's all
you don't have to agree
because i know you don't understand
i know you don't care
and i know what you think
but i don't care
because we have lost sight in each other
but i haven't lost sight in me
in fact right now
i know me
more than ever before
and i know why i do the things i do
and i know what i want
Sincerely,
That's all I ask of you 
 

What Matters Most?

Priorities we all have them.

What do we look for?

What do we want?

Why do we want them?

Why do we even care?

sometimes our lives get mixed up in a jumble.

sometimes we lose our way

sometimes people say the wrong things

sometimes friendships are broken

sometimes life just happens.

you see people leaving and it breaks your heart

you see them leave and hope for the best

you hope youre still going to be friends

but then people go and say they are wrong

for wanting more

for wanting to succeed and not stand still

to change their priorities

why should it matter to other people?

why should they say those things?

what makes people think that they "know" everything?

this post isn't even about my life.

I had a chat with a good friend.

they actually care

we had a chat

we talked about why it shouldn't matter

and honestly it doesn't matter

one thing doesn't make a person who they are

and one choice may change there life

 but that doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

sometimes they need to leave

as hard as that may be, maybe they just can't stay anymore.

they just might need a better view.

when you think about it

life isn't about sports, grades, high school, or any material thing.

life is about how you live it

how you take advantage of your opportunities

how you act around other people.

why you act that way.

so in reality what really matters to you?

i will tell you what matters to me.

Honesty

integrity

faith

love

devotion

words

actions

summer days

caring people

friends (true friends)

memories

the future

The Temple

and obviously the Gosple

realize this

you can't live a lie

one day we will all be forced to face the truth

and that day will hurt more

than if you actually told the truth in the first place

don't lie, cheat, pretend, assume, or regret

liers always lose

cheaters never prosper

pretenders are always uncovered

assumptions (well you know the quote.)

and regrets just leave you questioning with "what if?"

my life has priorities

i have them where i want them.

Sincerely,

it shouldn't be what matters

but who matters most.

Baseball

I have always loved the sport
I have always had a thing for the players
I have always watched it with my family
I have always gone to games
I have always seen the inning
sang the songs
knew the players
booed when right
screamed when necessary
sat through wind, snow, and rain.
I have always loved it
I will always love it
and it's just part of my life.
I miss those high school baseball games
i miss cheering for my brother through the wind
and trying to catch foul balls for bubble gum
i miss those moments when you hear
the sound of a ball on a metal bat
i miss it
i miss the past
but that doesn't mean it won't be in my future.
Yes i am girl
and yes i am a girly one
but guess what i was raised with three brothers
and a dad who was a football player baseball player and wrestler
(and good ones at that)
(just pointing it out)
and yes he does seem scary but he's more like a teddy bear
(don't worry;)
I love sports
i will always love sports
and guess what, baseball is my favorite one
for reasons that are unknown to me.
right now I'm up to bat
and i am planning on hitting that home run
why settle for less than you know you have the potential to accomplish?
Sincerely- Just throw me that curve ball

nothing left to say.....

i have nothing left to say
i have nothing left to think
and i have nothing left to regret.
not a day goes by where i wish things hadn't happened.
with anything
with anyone.
because everything that i have gone through has made me the person i am today
and honestly it took me watching once upon a time to realize it
people could say that I'm not the only one with problems
and they would be correct 
I'm not saying i have the hardest life in the world
and I'm sorry if you got that impression.
but what does bug me is when you make a joke out of it.
you don't know me
you can't say anything about me like that.
I'm not mad I'm just hurt that you did.
when you have expectations of people and then they do something stupid to ruin it
it doesn't make them a terrible person and it doesn't make them stupid
but i can honestly say that because you said that, i don't think of you the same way.
you can make a joke out of my life
but i wont do the same to you.
in fact i hope your life is great and happy.
you just broke me into more pieces...
some are lost
some wont be found
but it's fine, i doubt it was your intention.
but thanks for making my week even worse.
as if i didn't have enough to deal with already.
now I'm not just scared.
I'm done.
with drama
it's pointless when it means nothing.
so farewell
you're not my biggest problem anymore.
goodbye
sincerely- don't get your hopes too high

an unrequited journey

Before i begin.
No, i am not posting about a boy,
it's more of a story, an end to a journey,
and a beginning of an adventure,
no I'm not talking love, or of the male gender,
or heartbreaks ( in relationships that is.)
it's more like saying a final farewell to winter guard.
last week i wrote a poem after everything
had been over and done with,
i wrote a poem and honestly
poetry is my best friend right now.
it knows me in a sense,
i understand it,
and i can find what people are trying to say
or what i am trying to say, sometimes,
sometimes we just need to write.
sometimes you look at people you have known forever
and realize you don't know them anymore
I'm sorry to say that this has happened
but it has
but right now life is just something that some don't understand
and no it has nothing to do with the past few months
more of the past few years
that no one has seen
or heard of except one possibly two people.
i have been trying to see the distance of how far i have come
since i had taken those steps backwards and i have seen them
but every day i seem to just look at everything as a whole
instead of taking it slowly and honestly i get scared.
i get scared a lot. more than any of you possibly know.
not of horror movies
or people sneaking up behind me and screaming
but of myself i have come to realize.
sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night
and just walk around my house
and wonder and think of, things of people,
of real and fake,
of life and death,
of friends and enemy's,
of lies and trust.
but sometimes i just write.
more like type on my little
(more like huge) computer in my room
and just write my feelings and ideas.
it's what i live for.
the moments of just simply putting words on paper
weird i know but i love it.
 now with that introduction of what seems to be
 my whole life story here's my poem if you care to even read it



An unrequited journey...

The absence of something real you felt still lives inside your head.

wanting to break even with the thoughts that were never said.

the absence of love is what you have

waiting and longing for more.

you wish you never opened that gateway to the core.

the core of which we speak is among living and of dead.

living in each, with memories, inside of all our heads.

death as in all the separation of time waiting to the day

in which we say, the absence has gone from mine

living in each moment just seeming to stand still.

waiting in the pasture on a soft green tall hill

waiting to see if it was even real.

comparing to others, looking for more.

opening and closing too many doors.

you go back to one that keeps calling you in.

saying to you, "please, open me again."

it was the first door and it was the last

what seemed so fragile then is no longer glass.

the difference is the key is there to stay at last.

breaking down the door of what you did before

doesn't have to happen anymore

beginning to end you felt all of the wind.

no shortcuts, no tricks, no mimics,

just sticks

it hurt while you searched and knocked on all of those doors

but it was worth the work of finding the one you have seen before

unrequited you are no more







Treading Water

for the past week I have been thinking hard about my future.
of who I want to become.
what I want to achieve.
what I want to be remembered by.
who I want to remember
and if people would ever want to remember me.
this sounds depressing but really its not.
life is for living
taking chances and leaps into the unknown
walking in some parts and sprinting through others.
but what I have learned it makes life a heck of a lot
easier if you have someone by your side.
a best friend,
the Savior.
Sometimes it feels as if
He is no where to be found
but then at the lowest point
you finally see the light through the fog.
today in seminary we talked about significant
things that have been said.
randomly we talked about fortune cookies
and romantic men we have never met.
he had a power point of quotes and
I wrote down the ones that meant
the most to me because for the
hidden messages they had.
Here are some of them if you are interested :)
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
the bridge you burn now may be the one you have to cross later
the nicer a guy is, the better looking he becomes (it also has the opposite affect.)
Any fool can criticize. Many do.
personality has the power to open doors, but character is what keeps them open.
I thought about all of them a lot but my favorites are the first two.
here's why.
we represent the ships.
we can lock ourselves out from the rest of the world,
but that's not what we are meant to do.
I have to admit I do this.
when I don't want to face something
I just avoid it in every possible way.
but that doesn't make me happy
it only makes me feel worse.
I have done that a lot lately with certain people
and I am not proud of it
but there is only so much you can do when you
feel like crying whenever you see their face.
the first two quotes go hand in hand
(through my point of view at least)
when I lock myself out from the world and the people in it
I burn everything around me to let them in
it's a terrible thing to do but i do do it.
is this something that is right to do?
no.
but it's the only way i can focus on what i need to.
I know I have to swim across the sea
to get back to what once was mine
but right now it won't happen.
what was, isn't anymore.
what is, is what is.
what will, is undetermined,
and for me I am trying to figure that out.
confusion is my most felt emotion.
I wish I could blind myself
from what I see around me.
but I can't
I wish I didn't have to see everyone
swimming ahead as I am treading water
but right now I have decided
I just need to wait and look at the view.
you may be running marathons
but right now I am learning to walk again.
please just be patient.
and realize that every time you tell me
"I'm wrong" for this
just realize that that bridge
we took so long to build together
is going up in flames.
please realize what you say before you say it.
and realize you don't know how I think or how I feel.
because sometimes I dont' even know
so how would you?

Dreams?

We all have dreams, some are physical,
like when you're little and say you want to be a movie star
or whatever you want to achieve in this world.
And then we have "spiritual dreams."
No I'm not talking in a religious sense. (yet)
But when I say spiritual I mean we have dreams
at night when we are asleep.
But what I'm wondering is what do they truly mean?
According to Cinderella
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep."
But is it possible to have a dream that has a hidden message.
Some sort of story that is just yours to figure out.
Is it possible to have someone tell you things you needed to know?
Or is it your selfconcious telling you what you want to hear?
What if you are sitting there with someone you thought you had lost forever?
What if they were telling you things you had wanted to hear for so long?
What if they were about to give you the answer to an important question you had had for them?
What if they almost made your life make sense again?
What if?
So let me sit and question aloud my thoughts.
Was it a message I needed to hear?
Or was it me wanting to hear these things so badly
that it was all my imagination? 
How can you tell?
Was it possibly, maybe, a little of both?
Was my mind sugar coating what had happened?
Or was it all real?
Was it a hidden message?
Or was it just something that i should think about more?
Was is it even a dream?
What are dreams?  

just another prescious song

it pretty much is amazing the end

Really lets think about this......

ya know what bugs me the most?
EVER
OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!
assumptions....
all they do is lead you to false conclusions....
and ya know what else...
they kind of hurt...
here i am trying to be the
bigger person and whatever
saying good luck to what
i thought you would be doing
then you go and just assume that
"I'm having a bad day"
Why? Where? How
in the world did you come up with that?
and just so you know i was having a perfectly fine day
until i started talking with you
and having you assume
wow her life must suck.
well ya know what
I'm sorry i don't smile every second of the day and
I'm sorry you just kept saying
 do you want to talk about it?
No it's nonexistent!!!!!!!!!!!
how in the heck am i supposed to talk about something
 that doesn't exist??????
that's what i would like to know.....
I'm glad you think you can just leap into my life and
fix all the problems that you caused but guess what you can't
because you probably don't even know they exist...
and ya know what
why do you care
i even asked you
all you said was because
well guess what
because isn't an answer
it's only part of one!
so either say whats on your mind
or just stay out of my life
because really i don't need your "sympathy"
or whatever you were doing because lets face it
you have endless stupidity
i think it's in the testosterone you don't have
man up
grow up
and please never just assume that
wow she must be having a bad day
because maybe you just caused "her" to
the end
goodbye

Superficial

 SELFISH.

 Unbarable

 Pretenders

 Envy

 Rambunctious

"Friends"

 Inequality

 Casual

 Insensitive

 Annoying

 LIARS.....

Have you ever met a superficial person?

 have you ever been there "friend"

 have they ever thought they were better than you?

 have they eve made you the bad guy?

Have they ever truly cared?

did they ever actually  understand?

or did they just assume?

Did they ever care to listen

or simply ask why?

Or did they just automatically think they "knew"

the answer
Now think to yourself
honestly
are you Superficial?

slipping away......

I can't even describe the way this song makes me feel.....

Sitting worlds apart

Here we are...

 At a guard competition of all things ...

 And guess what seeing you just makes it worse.

Knowing that everything isn't the same

knowing that things are different

and seeing that you really don't care it just more than I can handle.

 And here I am sitting in Emma's lap wishing that things didn't have to be like this.

 I don't know what to think anymore

in fact i really don't want to think anymore

  I have thought enough

and you know what it's just not worth wondering what ifs anymore

 and buts or thinking rude thoughts ...

I have been a jerk and I will admit that

all I can say at this point is that I can't look at you

and see the person I thought you were...

I thought you were better than you actually were

 that may sound mean but thats not what I mean

 I mean that i thought you were my prince my fairy tale 

 in (high school) of course

 but I put you on a pedestal

and thought you were my dream

but guess what you turned Into

my nightmare

sincerely,

please just wake me up....

Black and white with a splash of color.

This is the title for my Beeson assignment.

you know i started this project out wiht an attitude of

why are we doing this?

we talk about this every year!

 what more could we possibly learn?

now let me tell you.

I saw through the eyes of a stranger.

I saw from a different prspective the whole week.

I saw what people really thought.

How we actually act.

and how i have acted many times before thinking it was alright when it wasn't.

It's amazing to me how self conscious you feel

when you stand out.

I don't know how anyone else feels but for me

 i felt as though i might pass out from embarrassment.

cry in the bathroom during lunch

(not because of people but because of the way i felt about myself.)

I felt alone.

Dark and scared.

bright in a dull world.

seeing for the first time what it feels like to be an outcast.

judged by what?

Appearance.

Looks.

style.

things that shouldn't matter but do anyways.

how would it feel to be like that every day of your life.

judged by your skin color.

Alone because of race.

teased because people thought wrong for a split moment.

killed because it was legal.

abused.

arrested.

interrogated.

no rights.

and the list goess on and on.

and here's the one question that counts.

Why?

Who started all of this?

Why were blacks persecuted?

Color doesn't matter.

we know that now.

but why didn't we know back then?

who cares where we're from.

we are ALL people.

we all have feeling.

we all have rights.

and we all deserve an answer.

what made "whites" so "superior"?

Skin color?

when you look back and see what america was

 you should be ashamed...

i know i am.

I am mortified by the way people acted and were treated.

We read books like Black Like me  to show us how we were

and so we don't make the same mistakes.

but even if we're not "racist" people are still bullies.

People think they are better then others.

I don't know why but they do.

at a point and time in all of ou lives we are

always comparing to see who's better.

better looking.

richer.

prettier.

smarter.

more athletic.

craftier.

ect.

but why?

why do we compare ourselve when we know we are not perfect

 and niether are the people we compare ourselves to.

so why try to be someone we are not.

i am not saying everyone does that.

I am just saying that simply we compare.

just remember this

"what lies behind you and what lies in fromt of you,

pales in comparison to what lies inside of you."

Ralph waldo emerson.

Sincerely,

Bringing brightness.

Dating.....

No this is not some post about my "first date" because well it has yet to happen.

and frankly i really don't want it too right now.

 i thought i was so prepared for dating a few months ago
but due to recent event all i can say is right now i could care less

 if i never go on one because what's the point?

yesterday i went to my cousins bridal shower we played games and such

and talked ad opened her gifts.

 all i can say is that they are Perfect for each other they match

like bacon and eggs and jam to bread.

but after the shower was over we stayed for like five more hours!

which was long but totally worth it.

we talked about allot of things (my aunts and cousins and i. )

we talked about temple marriage, dating,

and encouraging the boys our age to go on missions,

 not just our friends but our family memers also.

adn then i made the coment

"well i wouldn't marry him unless he had served a mission"

 and i have thought about that alot today actually a missionary spoke in our ward

about home teachers but really focused on the family and what a family really is

and i thoguht some more about that then i went to a fireside about standards

 and the same missionary spoke again and talked about dating.

and all i can really say is that i almost cried with what he said.in fact i think i did...

not publicly but in might heart i was balling. 

the way he spoke the experiences he shared, what it made me think of.

 it made me realize i knew what i was supposed to all along.

it took a stranger to speak twice on two different things and to say

 "i didn't want to share this but i feel i should"

as he shares the storie of his high school "girlfriends"

that he kew he shouldn't have had and kept secret from his parents

so he wouldn't get lectured about it and then he made a point.  

he said in his senior year he didn't have a girlfiriend and it was the best year of his life.

He dated around and dated a bunch of different girls.

he said that he found out more about himself in that year than he ever had before.

then to myself i thought

this was exactly what i needed to hear.

i needed to know this.

i neededto respect this.

and i needed to realize that after high school you forget.

you forget what classes you took.

how long you spent on a project.

how long you dated someone.

who you dated.

who your friends were.

why you did things.

what your goals were.

and what the style was.

high school is like a bike.

but high school is the training wheels for the real world.

the real world everyone goes there seperate ways.

even if you say you won't you probably will.

some people you stay in contact with.

but... those you would call your best friends in high school

become someone you have memories with but go seperate ways.

even if you don't want to.

thats how it works...

you graduate.

you go to college

or not

you move away.

you get married 

and you start a new life with someone

you probably never met in high school.

seeing the bigger picture is the key.

because in the end you are sealed for time and all eternity with the one you love

and that's all that really matters

is being with them and your family.

it matters to have friends but what shouldn't matter is the drama that happens.

high school doesn't have love...

sad fact but true...

some may argue that point and say i married my high school sweetheart and whatever

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean it happens for everyone.

espescially in high school

the odds of that actually working out for a lifetime are not worth the risk to me.

i want to marry a return missionary.

someone with standards.

someone who calls me a princess.

who treats me right.

who knows how i feel.

who is my best friend.

who knows the temple is where happiness is.

someone who holds the priesthood rightously.

who smiles.

who is optimistic.

who knows me.

and most of all loves me through everything.

through hard times, trials, bad hair days, faults, differences, and for being me.

i don't want to change for anyone.

nor will i

never.

i am me.

that's all i want to be.

and that's all i will be.

but i will say this.

i'm sorry i am mean.

to people.

to those who deserve better than what they got.

to those who i am trying to forgive.

to that one who keeps coming to my mind.

for the words i have said the things i didn't mean

and most of all the way i made you dissappointed.

yes dissapointed.

and for that i don't know why you were

probably because i wasn't worth your time

but thanks for giving me the time you did.

it made me realize something abotu myself.

I AM a Daughter Of God.

I have potential.

I have faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge,

choices that i am accountable for,

good works, integrity,

and most impotantly

virtue.

but that doesn't mean i am perfect.

and i am ok with that.

I am sorry i wasn't perfect for you.

im sorry i was such a distraction and worthless in your eyes.

but in my eyes.

you were a learning experience.

you were worth it at the time.

I dont' regret it

even if i want to i don't

because

"don't regret anything because at one

time it was EXACTLY what you wanted."

and it's true i did want it.

i wanted so much more than i should have.

and yet i only wish i didn't.

but at the same time all i can say is thank you.

no because you ruined it

our friendship, trust and such.

but because you made me see what happens when

i lie, break rules, promises i made to myself

when i hurt those around me, when i am selfish, inconsiderate

and for a small but large moment

forget who i am and what i stand for.

how could i forget?

I never want to again.

and i don't think i will allow myself to

at least i hope not....

all i hope for is things to get better

to be back to normal as much as they can be.

but as for right now just realize who you are.

what you are

and where you want to go....

sincerely,

I am going somewhere.

Just another Picture to burn.

Last night I  i hit the point to i know whats done is done and i can't change the past...

so why did i have all of this stuff reminding me of what "had" been and what "could have been"

 why did i have to deal with all of that stuff? i didn't want to anymore.

 I know he hates me and i know that we are no longer "together" if that's what we were

 and i know that we are no longer friends because i know he wants nothing to do with me

which is very depressing because that's all i ever wanted was to be friends

and have that friendship that was possible but didn't happen.

it's over. its not going to be the same. and we will be awkward for a long time.

 he will continue to not talk to me. and i will continue to try and make this work.

but right now i can't deal with all of this garbage.

this stress., drama, nonexistent friendships, people, school, and people pretending to be something they're not.

we sit at lunch and it all feels fake. it feels like we all just can't deal with each other

 it feels that everyone is on a different team it feels like we are moving on from our lives

by slowly drifting apart but wanting to stay the same so we awkwardly say hi

and try to talk about things that really don't matter to us.

 i don't know about all of you out there but i feel like I'm putting on a mask to the rest of the world

 because i don't want to deal with every ting that everyone is going through.

i care about people very deeply and i listen to there problems and try to talk to people

 and such but in the end we all have a superficial relationship with each other

. not all of us like i know i love talking to some people about stuff

but people that I'm "friends with"(some of them not all) if you could even call us tha

t i used to Love hanging out with and having a fun time but now i know they have changed

 and i know i have changed and i don't like what some of them are becoming.

why do i even care so much anymore? i don't even know.

 so last night i contemplated allot about this and well i decided

why hold on to something that's was never real to begin with.

 that's how i feel it was, a dream, a want, a moment, a nonexistent high school "love"

when i never really loved. I got rid of it.

the memories, the feelings ( or trying to work on that one), the moments of happiness,

the stress, drama, and i burned it all away.

you used to be my hero and i thought you understood,

and i thought things would be different but guess what i hate you now.

 ( yes i know hate is a strong word but i am using it because that i how i feel and im sorry that i do.) 

things should have never happened.

i wish it never happened, because now i lost a good friend, i used to really care about.

but now i just think of you as a bad memory.

and just a picture to burn so i can try to forget what "was"

let me know when we're done being third graders,

let me know when you want to talk,

cause im done.

with you.

i want to be friends but as for this moment

i need to step back and let go.

and let go of my past.

learn from it.

and know that it wasn't real.

maybe it was to me,

but to you it seemed like all a joke.

a joke that you could play and mess with.

manipulate and crush.

so now i bid you farewell because

paper's flamable and thats what i was holding onto.

its breakable

just like me and you.

but guess what you can repaired ripped paper with tape

(even though it will never be the same)

but you can't repair the ashes of what once was.

so now your just a  pile of ash in my life of fire.

Sincerely,

I'm trying to move on....

Potentially perfect....

Today i went to church (of course half an hour early)

 feeling the spirit and just pondering my thoughts...

then people start to come in and of course people talk and such

 and its fine and everything that's church

you socialize

but what i don't appreciate is people using

VERY inappropriate language

in the House of the Lord,

especially when you shouldn't say those things any way....

 i sat their shocked. turned away from them...

not shocked that they would say it

just shocked that they would say it there.

 i sat there in disgust, and anger, and i felt betrayed.

 this is the place you can go and get away from the world

and yet the world was there.

they opened the door to the outside and they felt fine with it.

but i wasn't and never will be

then we had an amazing sacrament meeting

(despite their remarks and there horse play) 

It was on the atonement. 

they gave amazing stories of conversion, hardship, and love, and trials. 

the husband and wife that were supposed to speak..... 

the husband only spoke,

(he spoke for both of them actually) and let me explain why. 

his wife's son (his step  son) that morning had overdosed on drugs. 

he had fallen away from the church 

he had made mistakes in his life and choices that were not right

 but has been trying to change them. 

he has been addicted and when you are addicted to something

 its obviously hard to quit. 

they got the call at 10 this morning that he was in the ER 

they went to see him 

he couldn't speak and was ultimately lifeless. 

all he could do was move his head. 

his muscles were stiff

he was alert and there but 

barely living..... 

the looked and all his step dad could say was do you want a blessing. 

all he could do was look at him in the eyes and nod. 

how must that be? 

to make such a mistake and to be in a situation

where all you can do is humbly nod because you can not speak.   

The thing was the boy in the ER

he was supposed to go to church today and hear the talks prepared.

He wanted to turn his life around.

He wanted to listen to them. but he didn't' get to because of his choices.

while his mother sat with him during church

her husband came and told us his and her words.

he told of the situation that morning

of how he met his wife and how he wanted to marry her

 but had to wait 5 or 6 years.

he spoke of his wife's husband who left her alone

 and there six children fatherless

he spoke of his divorce to his first wife.

and he spoke of repentance and how it's for all of us

no one in exempt

the atonement was always meant for everyone

but not everyone uses it

whether it be pride or guilt.

it was meant for everyone.

and i am glad that i can repent of my sins.

because believe it or not.

I'm not perfect.

not even close.

I know that, and i wish i was but alas....

no one is....

Except for Our Savior.

He was perfect and he always will be.

He made it possible for me,you, and everyone else in this world....

to be forgiven.

to be clean.

to be as white as snow instead of crimson red.

then in young womans we learned how to smile.

sounds a little odd but it's true.

we looked in this mirror as she read questions.

What do you see?

Who do you see?

What do you feel when you look at yourself?

questions like that. it was amazing.

She talked about what really makes people happy 

and what causes unhappiness

it was truely profound!

it was amazing! 

she taught it in such a way that

 made you feel the spirit and really think about yourself.

She made you realize that we are all special

and beautiful daughters of God in our own special way.

it was an amazing spirit filled sunday

with many life lessons and truths to it.

it was a wonderful humbling day.

I am glad i got to go to church and have the opportunity to every sunday.

I would be lost in the world without the gospel.

i have seen what the gospel brings into my lfe.

and I know I would not be even close to the same person without it.

lets just say i once saw "myself" without the blessings.

and i realized what i had and i have cherished it

and i always will.

don't take what you have for granted

you don't want to wake up one day and realize you threw it all away.

Make good choices.

Know Who You Are and What you stand for.

because knowing who you are changes what you do.

Sincerely,

I have the potential to be Perfect....