Treading Water

for the past week I have been thinking hard about my future.
of who I want to become.
what I want to achieve.
what I want to be remembered by.
who I want to remember
and if people would ever want to remember me.
this sounds depressing but really its not.
life is for living
taking chances and leaps into the unknown
walking in some parts and sprinting through others.
but what I have learned it makes life a heck of a lot
easier if you have someone by your side.
a best friend,
the Savior.
Sometimes it feels as if
He is no where to be found
but then at the lowest point
you finally see the light through the fog.
today in seminary we talked about significant
things that have been said.
randomly we talked about fortune cookies
and romantic men we have never met.
he had a power point of quotes and
I wrote down the ones that meant
the most to me because for the
hidden messages they had.
Here are some of them if you are interested :)
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
the bridge you burn now may be the one you have to cross later
the nicer a guy is, the better looking he becomes (it also has the opposite affect.)
Any fool can criticize. Many do.
personality has the power to open doors, but character is what keeps them open.
I thought about all of them a lot but my favorites are the first two.
here's why.
we represent the ships.
we can lock ourselves out from the rest of the world,
but that's not what we are meant to do.
I have to admit I do this.
when I don't want to face something
I just avoid it in every possible way.
but that doesn't make me happy
it only makes me feel worse.
I have done that a lot lately with certain people
and I am not proud of it
but there is only so much you can do when you
feel like crying whenever you see their face.
the first two quotes go hand in hand
(through my point of view at least)
when I lock myself out from the world and the people in it
I burn everything around me to let them in
it's a terrible thing to do but i do do it.
is this something that is right to do?
no.
but it's the only way i can focus on what i need to.
I know I have to swim across the sea
to get back to what once was mine
but right now it won't happen.
what was, isn't anymore.
what is, is what is.
what will, is undetermined,
and for me I am trying to figure that out.
confusion is my most felt emotion.
I wish I could blind myself
from what I see around me.
but I can't
I wish I didn't have to see everyone
swimming ahead as I am treading water
but right now I have decided
I just need to wait and look at the view.
you may be running marathons
but right now I am learning to walk again.
please just be patient.
and realize that every time you tell me
"I'm wrong" for this
just realize that that bridge
we took so long to build together
is going up in flames.
please realize what you say before you say it.
and realize you don't know how I think or how I feel.
because sometimes I dont' even know
so how would you?