it takes two to tango

so i have this certain dilemma
three boys
one me
one i want
he's not there
do i really want him though?
all in one day...
i went to ice cream with one
held hands with another
and the other professed his love to me
I'm at a lost
either way i lose
i can't handle it
i can't make everyone happy
i can't be the one they really want
what i really want is to just be free
no strings attached
i want to be able to see whoever .. whenever
i don't need to be told good morning and goodnight
i don't need rich and glamorous
i don't need to be told im beautiful
i don't need a shadow
i need to be alone
i need to be myself
i need to figure things out
im in highschool
i don't want to ruin friendships
i don't want to be marked as someones property
i want to be free
i had a chat with a new friend
we talked of love and realtionships
we decided those thigns on facebook that describes the perfect guy aren't really for the guy
we decided that thos things are there to look at and be more of a checklist
but once you actually have those things, it's not the things that make you happy but the person.
all three of these boys  make me  happy
they make me feel special
and they care about me i can tell
but right now i can't care for them
i can't be theirs
i can't be the one who gives all my attention to them
i can't be the person they want me to be
i need to be myself
i need to just date and be happy
i just need to forget about people and care about me
i can't be the one to pick up their self esteems
or the one to listen to their problems
that seems to be all i have ever been for people
and honestly im done
i want someone to like me for me
not just because i listen to them
i want to be able to not care about my weight or hair or clothes
i want to wear sweats and come back from running and still be the same person to them
i want to take walks by myself and not be asked what's wrong
i want to be able to think for myself
i dont want to be asked whats wrong when nothing is
i just want to float in the wind and be able to land where im supposed to
one's a company, twos a crowd, and threes a party
i just need time
it's almost midnight and my fairytale may just turn into a nightmare
Sincerely,
Cinderella didn't prepare me for this one...

how to respond....

i haven't posted in months... as you can tell but it's probably indifferent to you anyways so here's what's happened...
pretty much i had a season of color guard pass me by.
schools a bore but somehow i survived until spring break...
now i feel dead to the world
Friday i am making cupcakes for a wedding and after that my life will be much more at ease
i auditioned for field rifle today... and while it was an experience that was fascinating
all i ever want to be is a flag....
i wrote my application to dental assisting and i still have no clue whats going to happen
i had my flag captain interview and i just want it so badly
occasionally i go on walks in the rain.
sometimes i feel like a girly rebel riding a moped
all of my seniors are leaving and growing up
i learned how to make "better then anything cake"
sometimes i miss my best friend... we haven't talked in a while
sometimes march 21st occurs and sometimes reoccurs
sometimes i just think I'm a bad person but i know I'm not
sometimes we interview bishops in seminary and they comfort me because they said i was doing better then i thought
sometimes i find a gorgeous prom dress
sometimes I'm too short
sometimes i look at myself and feel like i have changed for the better
sometimes i forget about people i used to know and I'm ok with that
sometimes i read scriptures with chase and he tells me everything is going to be ok
sometimes people just don't see how there actions affect other people
sometimes face book is stupid
sometimes people are stupid
sometimes i just want to sleep
and sometimes i just want to eat Dorito's or pizza for as long as i can
sometimes i just need a break
sincerely,
welcome to my stressed out life

flirtations and temptations

ugh ....... once again this is a post about a boy
let's call them C and J
so I have been hanging out with C a lot lately
but I have still been talking to J just in casual conversations
then I explain to C that I don't want a relationship
he understood.... at least that's what I thought
things happened now I'm not sure if I like J or C
personally they both have great qualities I just
don't understand how I got all mixed up
if I really like them or just want to like them
or if I'm being honest or just using C I just
don't know how I feel.....
any advice? i need all the help I can get.....
sincerely,
confused as ever......

a choice or a reason

I have been contemplating a lot of different choices lately
I have made pros and cons.... cons won
maybe because I'm too stubborn but honestly maybe I just didn't want a reason pursue it
maybe I'm scared maybe I just need time
maybe I don't want anyone to get hurt
maybe Idon't want to be the one to hurt him
maybe Idon't wantto be his excuse or his reason......
but I feel like I should give him a chance
because after all .... wouldn't I want a chance?
wouldn't Iwant to prove myself?
wouldn't I want " love"
i just feel the need todo something
Ineed to be there.....
but I don't want a rerun of last year
I don't want to be an excuse.....
I just want to be me....
but I don't want to get hurt.....
sincerely,
is my reason good enough to make my choice..... ?

valentines day and questions....

so yesterday i had a pretty good day considering i wasn't expecting anything....
i got a note in the school news paper which i knew about in advance
so it wasn't that big of a deal but the same guy gave me a box of candy (mike and Ike's) with a note.... that said he likes how nice i am (I'm not that nice lets get real....)
but it was still sweet and made me smile then here comes the blush.... so um i was sitting in my history class by the door doing a project with tony and Erik
and two people i don't know when the flower people come in
and the first name they announce is mine.... i blush I'm sure super red so everyone can see and people are clapping (which was so unnecessary btw)
and then they said..... oh wait no here's another one....
and by that point I'm just confused and then they said oh wait one more......
i got three flowers
hopefully not all from newspaper boy because then it would just be weird....
but it made me smile and tony just died of laughter
and Erik was in aw it made my day and
possibly my whole year because honestly
i just liked knowing someone cared :)
sincerely,
i wish i had another day....

ugh...... im so alone

being sick sucks just so you know
.......
i feel so helpless
dizzy
loopy
well you get the point
i have been alone and watching hour upon hour
of elementary, the lying game, pretty little Liars, and studio c
yes  my life is boring and annoying
but all i have done this weekend is watch reruns as
and cough out important organs......
and sleep for twenty hours.... yes twenty and thats
why I'm posting this because i can't sleep....
its two am and im watching sad music videos
wow when i write it out like that it makes me look even more pathetic
well i guess i should start up a new thing....
onto pinterest i go......
sincerely,
as alone as i can be.....

wishing on falling stars

so i went to the AF vs. Lone Peak game
with a car for five fitting seven...
faith heather will Allison Jen me and .... Jordon :)
what a joyful time i had with heathers approval
seeing the drum line
knowing he loves cafe Rio
apparently he plays football
being rebel "students"
sneaking in the new kid ;)
having sarcasm wars with him and Allison
having everyone in the car honking and yelling "get some"
(so inappropriate BTW ;)
loving life planning the weekends searching for more activities
laughing and being with each other
"i am so twtter pated that butterflies just tickle my innards"
as i told Kelsi about boys (a certain one at least)
my life is fitting in place
i feel like I'm in the right place at the right time
I'm just happy
for once in a really long time i feel like the stars are aligned
Sincerely,
i wished for you on that falling star

I found my reason

as I was sitting watching and showing my grandmother
 my field show . experience it clicked
 about why I do it and why I put up with all the carp I do
 sitting there and crying and watching and listening and hearing
those drum majored being called and thinking about how we will never share a room again or have matching shirts and talk about boys and do face we masks and watch late night tv but I also thought about what would have been if no th h OK by ever was and I would have to say that band is my safe haven I may not like we winter but I sure as beck Love field through all the pain sweat and tears I will always love it and I will always remember being a 959 babe and seeing thee Drum majors as angels and bringing donuts to field painters hitting on David Drum line boys stand OK by OK n puddles at band camp and singing the friend song and crying in public . I will remember the rose parade president I will remember the cape pass off I will remember odd fundraisers and taco Tuesday's Wish I had at least one more year
sincerely
where was I before this moment?