Black and white with a splash of color.

This is the title for my Beeson assignment.

you know i started this project out wiht an attitude of

why are we doing this?

we talk about this every year!

 what more could we possibly learn?

now let me tell you.

I saw through the eyes of a stranger.

I saw from a different prspective the whole week.

I saw what people really thought.

How we actually act.

and how i have acted many times before thinking it was alright when it wasn't.

It's amazing to me how self conscious you feel

when you stand out.

I don't know how anyone else feels but for me

 i felt as though i might pass out from embarrassment.

cry in the bathroom during lunch

(not because of people but because of the way i felt about myself.)

I felt alone.

Dark and scared.

bright in a dull world.

seeing for the first time what it feels like to be an outcast.

judged by what?

Appearance.

Looks.

style.

things that shouldn't matter but do anyways.

how would it feel to be like that every day of your life.

judged by your skin color.

Alone because of race.

teased because people thought wrong for a split moment.

killed because it was legal.

abused.

arrested.

interrogated.

no rights.

and the list goess on and on.

and here's the one question that counts.

Why?

Who started all of this?

Why were blacks persecuted?

Color doesn't matter.

we know that now.

but why didn't we know back then?

who cares where we're from.

we are ALL people.

we all have feeling.

we all have rights.

and we all deserve an answer.

what made "whites" so "superior"?

Skin color?

when you look back and see what america was

 you should be ashamed...

i know i am.

I am mortified by the way people acted and were treated.

We read books like Black Like me  to show us how we were

and so we don't make the same mistakes.

but even if we're not "racist" people are still bullies.

People think they are better then others.

I don't know why but they do.

at a point and time in all of ou lives we are

always comparing to see who's better.

better looking.

richer.

prettier.

smarter.

more athletic.

craftier.

ect.

but why?

why do we compare ourselve when we know we are not perfect

 and niether are the people we compare ourselves to.

so why try to be someone we are not.

i am not saying everyone does that.

I am just saying that simply we compare.

just remember this

"what lies behind you and what lies in fromt of you,

pales in comparison to what lies inside of you."

Ralph waldo emerson.

Sincerely,

Bringing brightness.

Dating.....

No this is not some post about my "first date" because well it has yet to happen.

and frankly i really don't want it too right now.

 i thought i was so prepared for dating a few months ago
but due to recent event all i can say is right now i could care less

 if i never go on one because what's the point?

yesterday i went to my cousins bridal shower we played games and such

and talked ad opened her gifts.

 all i can say is that they are Perfect for each other they match

like bacon and eggs and jam to bread.

but after the shower was over we stayed for like five more hours!

which was long but totally worth it.

we talked about allot of things (my aunts and cousins and i. )

we talked about temple marriage, dating,

and encouraging the boys our age to go on missions,

 not just our friends but our family memers also.

adn then i made the coment

"well i wouldn't marry him unless he had served a mission"

 and i have thought about that alot today actually a missionary spoke in our ward

about home teachers but really focused on the family and what a family really is

and i thoguht some more about that then i went to a fireside about standards

 and the same missionary spoke again and talked about dating.

and all i can really say is that i almost cried with what he said.in fact i think i did...

not publicly but in might heart i was balling. 

the way he spoke the experiences he shared, what it made me think of.

 it made me realize i knew what i was supposed to all along.

it took a stranger to speak twice on two different things and to say

 "i didn't want to share this but i feel i should"

as he shares the storie of his high school "girlfriends"

that he kew he shouldn't have had and kept secret from his parents

so he wouldn't get lectured about it and then he made a point.  

he said in his senior year he didn't have a girlfiriend and it was the best year of his life.

He dated around and dated a bunch of different girls.

he said that he found out more about himself in that year than he ever had before.

then to myself i thought

this was exactly what i needed to hear.

i needed to know this.

i neededto respect this.

and i needed to realize that after high school you forget.

you forget what classes you took.

how long you spent on a project.

how long you dated someone.

who you dated.

who your friends were.

why you did things.

what your goals were.

and what the style was.

high school is like a bike.

but high school is the training wheels for the real world.

the real world everyone goes there seperate ways.

even if you say you won't you probably will.

some people you stay in contact with.

but... those you would call your best friends in high school

become someone you have memories with but go seperate ways.

even if you don't want to.

thats how it works...

you graduate.

you go to college

or not

you move away.

you get married 

and you start a new life with someone

you probably never met in high school.

seeing the bigger picture is the key.

because in the end you are sealed for time and all eternity with the one you love

and that's all that really matters

is being with them and your family.

it matters to have friends but what shouldn't matter is the drama that happens.

high school doesn't have love...

sad fact but true...

some may argue that point and say i married my high school sweetheart and whatever

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean it happens for everyone.

espescially in high school

the odds of that actually working out for a lifetime are not worth the risk to me.

i want to marry a return missionary.

someone with standards.

someone who calls me a princess.

who treats me right.

who knows how i feel.

who is my best friend.

who knows the temple is where happiness is.

someone who holds the priesthood rightously.

who smiles.

who is optimistic.

who knows me.

and most of all loves me through everything.

through hard times, trials, bad hair days, faults, differences, and for being me.

i don't want to change for anyone.

nor will i

never.

i am me.

that's all i want to be.

and that's all i will be.

but i will say this.

i'm sorry i am mean.

to people.

to those who deserve better than what they got.

to those who i am trying to forgive.

to that one who keeps coming to my mind.

for the words i have said the things i didn't mean

and most of all the way i made you dissappointed.

yes dissapointed.

and for that i don't know why you were

probably because i wasn't worth your time

but thanks for giving me the time you did.

it made me realize something abotu myself.

I AM a Daughter Of God.

I have potential.

I have faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge,

choices that i am accountable for,

good works, integrity,

and most impotantly

virtue.

but that doesn't mean i am perfect.

and i am ok with that.

I am sorry i wasn't perfect for you.

im sorry i was such a distraction and worthless in your eyes.

but in my eyes.

you were a learning experience.

you were worth it at the time.

I dont' regret it

even if i want to i don't

because

"don't regret anything because at one

time it was EXACTLY what you wanted."

and it's true i did want it.

i wanted so much more than i should have.

and yet i only wish i didn't.

but at the same time all i can say is thank you.

no because you ruined it

our friendship, trust and such.

but because you made me see what happens when

i lie, break rules, promises i made to myself

when i hurt those around me, when i am selfish, inconsiderate

and for a small but large moment

forget who i am and what i stand for.

how could i forget?

I never want to again.

and i don't think i will allow myself to

at least i hope not....

all i hope for is things to get better

to be back to normal as much as they can be.

but as for right now just realize who you are.

what you are

and where you want to go....

sincerely,

I am going somewhere.

Just another Picture to burn.

Last night I  i hit the point to i know whats done is done and i can't change the past...

so why did i have all of this stuff reminding me of what "had" been and what "could have been"

 why did i have to deal with all of that stuff? i didn't want to anymore.

 I know he hates me and i know that we are no longer "together" if that's what we were

 and i know that we are no longer friends because i know he wants nothing to do with me

which is very depressing because that's all i ever wanted was to be friends

and have that friendship that was possible but didn't happen.

it's over. its not going to be the same. and we will be awkward for a long time.

 he will continue to not talk to me. and i will continue to try and make this work.

but right now i can't deal with all of this garbage.

this stress., drama, nonexistent friendships, people, school, and people pretending to be something they're not.

we sit at lunch and it all feels fake. it feels like we all just can't deal with each other

 it feels that everyone is on a different team it feels like we are moving on from our lives

by slowly drifting apart but wanting to stay the same so we awkwardly say hi

and try to talk about things that really don't matter to us.

 i don't know about all of you out there but i feel like I'm putting on a mask to the rest of the world

 because i don't want to deal with every ting that everyone is going through.

i care about people very deeply and i listen to there problems and try to talk to people

 and such but in the end we all have a superficial relationship with each other

. not all of us like i know i love talking to some people about stuff

but people that I'm "friends with"(some of them not all) if you could even call us tha

t i used to Love hanging out with and having a fun time but now i know they have changed

 and i know i have changed and i don't like what some of them are becoming.

why do i even care so much anymore? i don't even know.

 so last night i contemplated allot about this and well i decided

why hold on to something that's was never real to begin with.

 that's how i feel it was, a dream, a want, a moment, a nonexistent high school "love"

when i never really loved. I got rid of it.

the memories, the feelings ( or trying to work on that one), the moments of happiness,

the stress, drama, and i burned it all away.

you used to be my hero and i thought you understood,

and i thought things would be different but guess what i hate you now.

 ( yes i know hate is a strong word but i am using it because that i how i feel and im sorry that i do.) 

things should have never happened.

i wish it never happened, because now i lost a good friend, i used to really care about.

but now i just think of you as a bad memory.

and just a picture to burn so i can try to forget what "was"

let me know when we're done being third graders,

let me know when you want to talk,

cause im done.

with you.

i want to be friends but as for this moment

i need to step back and let go.

and let go of my past.

learn from it.

and know that it wasn't real.

maybe it was to me,

but to you it seemed like all a joke.

a joke that you could play and mess with.

manipulate and crush.

so now i bid you farewell because

paper's flamable and thats what i was holding onto.

its breakable

just like me and you.

but guess what you can repaired ripped paper with tape

(even though it will never be the same)

but you can't repair the ashes of what once was.

so now your just a  pile of ash in my life of fire.

Sincerely,

I'm trying to move on....

Potentially perfect....

Today i went to church (of course half an hour early)

 feeling the spirit and just pondering my thoughts...

then people start to come in and of course people talk and such

 and its fine and everything that's church

you socialize

but what i don't appreciate is people using

VERY inappropriate language

in the House of the Lord,

especially when you shouldn't say those things any way....

 i sat their shocked. turned away from them...

not shocked that they would say it

just shocked that they would say it there.

 i sat there in disgust, and anger, and i felt betrayed.

 this is the place you can go and get away from the world

and yet the world was there.

they opened the door to the outside and they felt fine with it.

but i wasn't and never will be

then we had an amazing sacrament meeting

(despite their remarks and there horse play) 

It was on the atonement. 

they gave amazing stories of conversion, hardship, and love, and trials. 

the husband and wife that were supposed to speak..... 

the husband only spoke,

(he spoke for both of them actually) and let me explain why. 

his wife's son (his step  son) that morning had overdosed on drugs. 

he had fallen away from the church 

he had made mistakes in his life and choices that were not right

 but has been trying to change them. 

he has been addicted and when you are addicted to something

 its obviously hard to quit. 

they got the call at 10 this morning that he was in the ER 

they went to see him 

he couldn't speak and was ultimately lifeless. 

all he could do was move his head. 

his muscles were stiff

he was alert and there but 

barely living..... 

the looked and all his step dad could say was do you want a blessing. 

all he could do was look at him in the eyes and nod. 

how must that be? 

to make such a mistake and to be in a situation

where all you can do is humbly nod because you can not speak.   

The thing was the boy in the ER

he was supposed to go to church today and hear the talks prepared.

He wanted to turn his life around.

He wanted to listen to them. but he didn't' get to because of his choices.

while his mother sat with him during church

her husband came and told us his and her words.

he told of the situation that morning

of how he met his wife and how he wanted to marry her

 but had to wait 5 or 6 years.

he spoke of his wife's husband who left her alone

 and there six children fatherless

he spoke of his divorce to his first wife.

and he spoke of repentance and how it's for all of us

no one in exempt

the atonement was always meant for everyone

but not everyone uses it

whether it be pride or guilt.

it was meant for everyone.

and i am glad that i can repent of my sins.

because believe it or not.

I'm not perfect.

not even close.

I know that, and i wish i was but alas....

no one is....

Except for Our Savior.

He was perfect and he always will be.

He made it possible for me,you, and everyone else in this world....

to be forgiven.

to be clean.

to be as white as snow instead of crimson red.

then in young womans we learned how to smile.

sounds a little odd but it's true.

we looked in this mirror as she read questions.

What do you see?

Who do you see?

What do you feel when you look at yourself?

questions like that. it was amazing.

She talked about what really makes people happy 

and what causes unhappiness

it was truely profound!

it was amazing! 

she taught it in such a way that

 made you feel the spirit and really think about yourself.

She made you realize that we are all special

and beautiful daughters of God in our own special way.

it was an amazing spirit filled sunday

with many life lessons and truths to it.

it was a wonderful humbling day.

I am glad i got to go to church and have the opportunity to every sunday.

I would be lost in the world without the gospel.

i have seen what the gospel brings into my lfe.

and I know I would not be even close to the same person without it.

lets just say i once saw "myself" without the blessings.

and i realized what i had and i have cherished it

and i always will.

don't take what you have for granted

you don't want to wake up one day and realize you threw it all away.

Make good choices.

Know Who You Are and What you stand for.

because knowing who you are changes what you do.

Sincerely,

I have the potential to be Perfect....

S.A.D.

just to inform you... today is Valentines day...... ick... gag.... discusting.... gross.... and just plain annoying if you ask me.... but i will keep this short and to the point....
Single
Awareness
Day....
Hence why i wrote S.A.D.
oh well not everyday is perfect and today is just a day made up fo all those greeting card companies and floral shops that don't get enough recognition in the world i guess.....
what a day...... oh well
it only comes along once a year....
so i guess it's not too terrible....
GAG! ICK GROSS!!!!!!!!!! thats all i can say to describe how much i LOATHE!!!! absolutely LOATHE this day!!!!!!!......

Rascal Flatts - Easy ft. Natasha Bedingfield

This Song pretty much explains it all.
How i feel .
What's going through my head.
Everything.
Listen.
I mean really listen.
Then you'll know why.

I wonder why....

You wonder why people treat you differently
when they shouldn't
Because you are the same person you have always been.
But somehow they think you are different.
Things Have changed
And things aren't exactly then same
but what about friendship?
What happened to your promises?
Did your words mean nothing to you?
I can deal with you not feeling the same.
yes i can handle that
even if i don't want to
But what i can't deal with is you lying
and making promises
and saying things that you obviously don't mean.
Don't treat me like you know me.
And don't you dare lie to me.
You see the thing is
all you are is
a chicken.
You won't say how you feel
tell me what happened.
and you wont even talk to me
or even text me.
look this isn't the easiest thing to do
when i don't know what happened.
or what i "did" wrong
or even if i did something wrong
because you won't tell me!
no one will.
Just say whats on your mind because right now
because i say what's on mine and
I don't have a filter and I'm sorry
sorry for the words i said
I'm sorry if i hurt you
but guess what
what goes around comes around
that doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore.
it means I'm mad
yes, mad and frustrated.
it happens sometimes.
and that doesn't mean i don't care anymore.
the truth of the matter is....
i care way to much.
i hope to much
i want to much
and i dream that things were different.
or at least back to the way they were.
i can't lie anymore.
i miss what used to be
I miss the adventures we had.
the dreams i thought
the hopes that i had
and the way you made me laugh.
and most of all i miss you.
i am not proud for saying this but its true.
I wish i could forget about it.
I wish i didn't feel this way but i do.
And all i have to say is it's not easy.
It's not easy to pretend that I'm OK all the time
I wish that we could have ended with answers
and i wish i could know what your thoughts are.

"and what he don't know
is how hard it is to make it look
so easy......"
Rascal Flatt's...
they know what they're talking about
and so while you are reading this post
(if you even are or if you even care)
think of this
and think of how it affects me.
If your words,
promises,
and actions
didn't mean that much to you.
then why in the world do they mean
So much to me........?
sincerely,
what happened?

The words I wished had gone unsaid

I haven't posted in a while....

and well five or six days is a while for me ....

I haven't posted because I haven't know what to say

but last night I was reading my scriptures

and all of a sudden words stared flowing through my head.

I needed to write them down.

and I finally found what I have been needing to say.

Although its not entirely how I feel I do feel like this sometimes

and so I wrote what i had to say.

but not like a journal,

I have discovered that me keeping a journal simply doesn't work.

instead i wrote it in poetry form which I have found I love.

even if it's not that good.

I simply love writing poetry and reading it

because it says more than words can say alone.

The first one i wrote is called Walls......

You know things

but you don't know all

when people speak it's like talking to a wall.

that's all you do is sit and listen.

but no one bothers to help you trapped in your prison.

the prison that never breaks nor falls

just builds and builds its tall thick walls.

the sun is getting dim

and the sunset can not get in.

darkness soon overtakes all.

all because of your big thick walls.

dramatic i know but i don't know why i wrote that.

yesterday as just was emotional and i don't know why....

just kind of like today when you burst into tears for no reason

yep it's kind of going to be one of those weeks

where you have so much to say but you will never get the chance to say them

and there is so much to do but you just simply can't do any of it

because it is so overwhelming....

which brings me to the next poem I wrote yesterday...

it's called Tears...

an effect of sorrow

an effect of wonder

your heart leaps out filled with hunger.

waiting for that dream to pass.

wanting for that moment to last.

the days go by

the weeks grow weary

that second you loved starts to get dreary.

you wanted different things back them.

you thought you'd spend your life with him.

but that thought will not come true.

as the tears of sadness come over you.

Once again dramatic but I am a girl who takes things way to seriously and

feels way too many emotions at once.

and sometimes you just need to cry....

I have learned that it's OK to cry every now and then

(and I am the type of person who hates crying because I feel stupid whenever I do!.)

but I shouldn't feel that way because everyone has bad weeks and days but i never really cry.... I have cried when i watch sad movies... ( like toy story three of Charlie.)

but with other things its different i never cry in front of anyone and rarely about once a year my family sees me cry but that's only my parents.

Sometimes i feel like i have no emotion at all

and sometimes i feel like it's bursting out of me.

I don't always now how i feel

or how i am supposed to feel.

but i feel something that is indescribable.

And right now that's all i can say.

because i have nothing else to say

because i can't find the words.

so ponder and think of your life

and the words you can say

and the things you can think.

and the people you know

and the guidance you have.

and realise that you are blessed.

and realise that

"you is kind.

you is smart.

and you is important."

the help.

Sincerely,

Don't build the wall.....