Blame it on September... literally.

In September of last year Mr. Beeson assigned us to write in our notebook about Love. what we thought about it. how it made us feel. is there really such thing as love at first sight? things like that.

On September 15, 2011 I wrote this in my English journal....

"Immature love says ' I love you because i need you.' Mature love says, ' I need you because i love you.'" - Erich Fromm

"this is like high school because you see relationships blooming, and some that are falling apart, and some that were never really there to begin with. In high school we try and have something that no one is truly ready for, because they want to be something or have something that others have but they don't.

So thy try to make is by themselves.

And something goes wrong along the way.

All it causes is broken friendships and friends choosing sides to try and make things work for them.

Love doesn't exist until each person knows what's happening.

and can comprehend there feelings toward one another."

Now here's the question....

If I knew that in September why didn't I listen to myself?

I will tell you why.

Because I thought it would be different.

I thought that we would make it through.

I thought we would be the ones people looked at and say "they made it"

But I was wrong.

Completely actually.

I thought i knew what would happen.

but guess what ...

The complete opposite occurred.

What goes up must come down right?

This situation isn't even uncommon that's the sad thing.

This happens all the time.

But one question still remains....

why do we let it happen?

Why do we expect so much only to have it crumble to the ground three months later?

I will tell you what i think...

I think that we expect it not to happen.

We know that one day we will find "the one" so we treat every single guy like they are.

Like They are different from the last guy.

but they aren't.

Like from Hercules when Meg says "he would never do anything to hurt me."

Hades says "he's a guy."

Yes guys don't think.

Yes they are stupid.

And yes they break your heart.

But we can't live without them.

We have to learn to live with them

and learn to love them.

Sadly it's what we must do.

Even if one day we hope to be Mormon nuns.

We know that it probably won't happen because we will fall for a guy...

Over,

and Over,

And over again.

Till we fall completely head over heals for someone.

We are girls

WE laugh

we flirt.

We talk.

We know.

We are love drunk.

and when it comes to guys

we over think.

we assume

we hope.

we dream.

and we expect.

Because after all we are Daughters of a King.

So why not have a

Fairytale Ending?

Sincerely,

I am just a Girl living in this world.

Is it Worth it?

It all started Last year in October (officially it happened on October 27 at around 11:30 that night)

But i knew about it a few weeks before then.

He Said some things

He made me laugh.

He made me feel special.

But....... It didn't last....

In fact i don't feel like it ever really started...

Is that strange to say?

That for three months of worrying and heartache and stressing about all of this stuff that wasn't even real... is it strange to say that i truly believe that it was all a lie.

Fake.

Or at least from my point of view.

Yes he did those things that were so precious and girls wanted him because he was "the perfect guy ever"

but not to me.

I know that sounds rude but i don't mean it in that way i promise.

I know he's a good person.

I know hes going to be a great missionary.

and I know he will probably look back and say i was just another girl.

but to me he won't be just another guy.

Yes i liked him (past tense.)

and lets face it... it was over before it truly started.

We were probably done before Christmas break honestly....

But we kept it going and jut played along.

Yes it hurts.

and yes it will continue to hurt.

But it's not worth it for me to let him win.

Before this even started i made a promise not to have a serious "boyfriend" in high school

ad although i didn't consider him my "boyfriend" it was kind of like that. I broke that promise to myself and i regretted it (even when i was with him.)

And i know that sounds terrible and wrong and it was but I have learned since then.

I have the choice for me. and although It would be nice to have a valentine on single awareness day..... i won't. And I'm OK with that.

Lets face it.

The Idea of a guy treating you special and hugging you close from behind and telling you you're pretty is the thing we long for most. We want our lives to be a romance novel or some fairytale. and one day it will be.

I think that's why it was such a lie to me....

I think i liked the idea of it more than i liked him....

Yes that's rude but it's the truth.

He told me on October 27.

I probably didn't really like him a lot till about two weeks later.

And with when we didn't actually talk it was more of one of those third grade relationships.

you know the ones that talk to all of his buddies and say oh wow she's "cute" and then they giggle and run away never actually talking to the girl.

I know girls mature faster than guys but seriously come on do you really think we are in third grade?

Seperation of genders.

Girls have cooties stage.

Really? get serious and grow up.

Don't let a girl get her hopes up.

Don't let her feel like she's babysitting you.

And Never go against what you feel.

I should have let it go

I should have never "started" it

I should have just let it pass.

but i didn't

I went against the feeling telling me no.

and now i regret it.

and i have to live with the fact that this was never supposed to happen.

but i let it.

Don't be me.

Follow your heart.

and your brain.

and if they ever cross paths....

Follow the one with the best feeling.

don't just think it's nothing and go the other way.

it's always something.

and dont think otherwise.

Everything will get better and when all else fails .

just make lemonade with those one fruits

(grapes:)

Sincerely,

I must be very thirsty... :)

Regrets and Misfortunes.....

When you look back upon your life and what you have accomplished you see all of the happy, funny, embarrassing, hard, difficult, and unbearable times. Some of which you though never would end and some of which you wished they wouldn't.
Things Happen.
Plain and simple.
It's written there in black and white.
Clear as Crystal.
You remember the funny days where you pretty much did nothing but it felt like the best day ever.
You remember the times when you cried, or something drastic happened and it feels like the hurt will last forever.
You have times that you regret.
Words you wish you had never said.
Things that shouldn't have started but did.
Things you can't undo.
mistakes that make you feel like a fool.
And at the end of the day none of it matters.
Now that might sound strange and a Little misleading, but it's true.
To a point. that is.
It does matter in the sense of the moment or from a learning perspective but at the same time it doesn't because it doesn't matter what happens.
What DOES matter is how you react or respond to it.
Things happen there are trials all around us.
Some of them happen because they have to and they are supposed to.
and some happen because we caused them to happen.
WE have the power of Choice and agency.
It is the power that our Heavenly Father Gave us.
He gave it to us because He trusted us.
He has high expectations and expects us to give our all.
And our all is what we must give.
We must stand as a Witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.
We must Have a light shining from within.
We must live our standards and respect others as much as ourselves.
I am not saying that things are all wonderful and that trials are nothing because I know as much as the next person that Trials are never just nothing. They happen. They exsist. and there is nothing we can do about our hardships but face them. Face them head on. strong and courageous. With Faith and with an open heart. Trials make us learn. That's what they are here for. Sometimes they come one at a time and sometimes that's hard enough and God knows that. And sometimes they come all at once. Never ending. Always coming. and sometimes it feels as if you can't understand why? and you can't see the finish line as easily.
Sometimes you just fall to your knees in humility and ask for the pain to go away... just for a day. and sometimes it happens and sometimes it stays....
Im not saying that my life is super hard because compared to others it isn't....
but to me sometimes it's' just a lot to handle.
I can handle it (because God NEVER gives you something that you can't handle)
But sometimes i just don't want to handle it.
I want to go back to the days when my biggest problem was learning to add or spell.
And some days I want to go back to certain trials and change the way i acted, change the words i said, and the words i didn't say.
And Some days i just want to write down all my frustrations and talk to my friends and read my scriptures all day long.
And some days i just need to think.
Thinking is what i do to clear my head.
to keep me sane.
To keep me on the right path.
When you think things through you see the consequences and the eternal perspective.
One day I will find my long lost prince and we will be married for time and all eternity in the Temple.
One day I will have a family and a daughter who i will share all of my experiences with, in hope tat she won't make the same mistakes.
One day I will know all the answers and all of the reasons why.... which is all i ever wanted.
And One day it will all make sense.
Its not just foggy day or week that makes your life, your life.
There May be foggy days or weeks but there are Sunny months and years that make the journey worth it.
The music playing in the background is what you make it.
Don't be the one playing depressing music while staring out the window wondering when will my love return... *cough cough* (Twilight) haha Be the one that sings about the adventures and All that you've done. with simply no words at all just showing a slide show of your life that's enough. (up)
Live your life to the fullest.
Sincerely optimistic...

Poems speak louder than words alone

For me it's only you.
You are all I see.
The sea is big and large
larger than I may be.
But bees are filled with honey.
and honey is so sweet.
and sweet is just a word
that I could never speak.

Unrequited...

Unrequited definition :"not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love."
Our winter guard show is titled unrequited.
A week ago i wouldn't have been able to understand what that truly meant but now i know.
I know now what it means to feel the absence of love to be alone and to feel afraid.
I know how so many other teenage girls feel.
I know what they think and what they say to themselves.
But what i don't know is why.....
why do we put ourselves down just because they don't feel the same way.
why do we think that they think we are ugly, fat, or stupid just because they changed there minds about us.
why do we sit here and tear ourselves down just because they didn't want to build us up anymore?
Why is the world filled with hate, misunderstandings, lies, cheaters, players, adulterers, idiots, and morons?
And why is there no peace?
No peace of mind, heart, spirit, world or any other sort.
there is just confusion, heartbreak, violence, etc.
When we were younger we watched chick flicks and fairytale endings with ever happy go lucky Disney movie imaginable.....
They never showed us the heartbreak, hard times, fights, disagreements, or issues that really play into a relationship.
they lied.
plain and simple they lied not intentionally but they did.
I expected a fairytale happy ending....
I expected my life to be like in those movies....
I expected dancing to no music...
kissing in the rain...
holding hands on the beach at sunset....
laying on a picnic blanket looking at the stars...
taking pictures in photo booths....
I expected too much.
you never get what you expect...
and high expectations only go into disappointment and tears...
They get crushed.
and when you think your dreams are coming true its all just a big lie...
My life isn't....
Tangled.... we didn't on a big adventure....
my life isn't
Aladdin..... i never got my three wishes....
My life isn't
beauty and the beast.... we didn't dance or have snowball fights....
my life isn't
Cinderella.... he never bothered looking for his lost princess....
my life isn't
Hercules.... because he chose something else then being with me
And my life isn't...
perfect...
i wish it was but its not.
the end.
if only it was things would be simpler.
one day everything we be a fairy tale but until that day....
I am just dress shopping for the perfect ball gown....

Sincerely,

I am unrequited....

(for now)

Waiting for my world to change....

Right at this moment I am on math we have free time to do whatever so I stole Kayla's iPod and now I am writing.

I am waiting... Just waiting... Waitin for my world to change maybe for the better but probably for the worse...

All I want is to get it over with but at the same time I just can't seem to face the truth.

He doesn't want me anymore .... That's all it is ..... Nothin and everything. But what can I do? Nothing . All I can do is wait and sit and get shot at with words that feel like arrows .... I don't know what to say or what to do ..... But there is nothing I can. Ikist have to accept he fact that he never wanted me and all he did was lie .... If he hadn't had lied or kept it from me I wouldn't be this mad or sad.... That's all I want the truth .... I don't care if ou hurt me ( maybe I do) but I would rather know then not .... I am not an open book and never h e been All I can say is that I'm fretful ou never knew the rue me because hen this would hurt so muh more.....

Sincerely,

A princess in waiting

My wish....

So life has just been stupid. so have a lot of people. i can't tell you what i know because technically I'm not supposed to know but before i found our i knew it was coming i just didn't want to accept it. it started Friday night (well long before then but this is when it all took place.) when i just got the new i closed my door and broke down and cried. i cried for hours and threw things across my room listened to loud music then i just stared at my walls. i broke down in tears and fell to my knees i prayed for everything to just leave. i know it doesn't work that way but sometimes i wish it would. i have too much to handle i can't keep track and when another thing jumps in i just want to change things and go back.


I wish that I didn't text you that one day at the mall.
I wish i didn't go to the Halloween dance last fall.
I wish that actually cared instead of pretending like you did.
(when you answer a question with a question i know whats running through your head.)
I wish i never danced with you at that stupid band dance.
I wish that i didn't force you to tell me your 11:11 wish.
I wish that you got to know me. and actually knew the true me.
I wish that you could understand what you meant to me.
I wish that you weren't stupid.
I wish you weren't a jerk.
I wish you realized what you were. a player and that's all.
I wish you didn't hate me but sadly you do.
I wish I didn't waste, my Disneyland wish on you.
I wish you could understand my thoughts and whats going through my head.
I wish i didn't have a BTR just a normal tour instead.
I wish that you didn't do things that clearly you never meant.
I wish you were actually honest instead of lying to me instead.
I wish things were normal but that will never be.
I wish that you realized that things will never be the same.
I wish you didn't say things that were obviously untrue.
I wish that things were different.
I wish that we could be friends but right now it just can't be.
I wish that you'd just leave my thoughts for all eternity.
I wish that people wouldn't lie right to my face. just realize i can see that you're hiding something from that smug look in your eyes.
I wish i could forgive as easily as Christ did. I'm working on that but for right now you're on my bad list.
I wish that life could take a break and just move on in happiness.
I wish it was sometimes sunshine instead of always a thunderstorm.
I wish you were feeling what I'm feeling but obviously you're not.
some people may say they know but guess what you don't and it's not the same. its different and always has been from the day it started till the day it ends it always will be different not even close to the same.
I wish that i could change what i felt. because it obviously meant nothing to you.
I wish it never happened.
And with each wish it all just comes back to one stupid simple thing.
I wish i could go back in time and change what this used to be.

Taylie thanks for listening to my thoughts as i cried and telling me everything is going to be alright thanks for telling me you're thoughts and your opinions it means a lot to me.

Heather you know how i feel and you made me laugh when i couldn't smile. you hugged me when i needed to be hugged and it turned my day around.

Gretchen you're like a big sister to me you held me and asked if anything was wrong and held me and said he was wrong.

Sydney i know you're not telling me something and you may think you're protecting me but i need to know even if it hurts me to know. and if you're not i still need to talk to you.

Guys don't be stupid. don't be jerks. and DON"T be players. it's unattractive. its rude and it hurts more than you know. don't say things that you will take back a few weeks later. don't treat girls like trash and realize that we are fragile and our hearts break easily. realize that we over think everything. realize what you're doing before you do it. realize you only get one chance and if you blow it you don't get another one. realize that when we wish upon a star its for you. but if we wish upon that second star its to forget you. realize that every girl is a princess and they should be respected. and we will do the same for you. don't lie, cheat, ignore, hate, or bring us up just to tear us down. because one day in the future we will remember you and what you did and even though there might have been good times we wont remember them because all we will see is sad and the end. realize what you're doing and then use you're brains. because if people actually thought before they acted there wouldn't be as much pain and suffering in the world. I may be dramatic but that's who i am don't assume you know me because you probably don't. just think. and that's all I'm going to say because that's all that there is to say without saying something i might regret.

Sincerely,

I'M WISHING ON THAT

SECOND STAR...

my favorite mexican

so there is this girl her name is Emma. she is absolutely amazing we have a thumb romance going on and we sing our song together (kiss me slowly by parachute ) and sing it loud and proud. we also sing Taylor swift songs and talk about beauty and the beast and the little mermaid. she is truly amazing and makes me laugh and tells me that today may not be the best ( because every day can't be the best day ever) but she tells me to smile and make it a god day she is quite good and one of my besterest friends. We have conversations about sock and how she must wear matching socks because other wise it wouldn't be the same then there are times when she just holds my head and pets my hair and say poor princita' (at least i think that's what she says to me) she talks to me and listens and cares. when you see those people who are just funny and outgoing they make you smile. Emma is one of those people (but she can pull that off) she doesn't care what anyone else thinks about her. i admire her for that. out of everything she is positive and happy and just always makes me smile. so this is a thank you for today to Emma because she listened and cared and held me when i needed someone to hold onto me. there are only so many people that make you laugh when you say china bear instead of panda bear and make jokes about drinking milk and then when you read little comics it just makes your day so much better.

Spencer: thank you for going on a walk with me and talking with me just about life and plays and the future when you Will grow a beard and live in LA without a car.

Breanne thanks for letting m vent in English about random things that probably don't make much sense but you understood how i felt and that's all that matters.

Chris: thanks for making me laugh and making me laugh at myself and my tiredness :)

Taylie: thank you for listening to what i have to say and what frustrates me and telling me things that made me feel better and just talking to me you always make me feel better and happy because you always know the right thing to say. and you truly made me feel better.

Sydney: thank you for making sure i wasn't taking things too seriously., because right now it probably doesn't mean anything and i am over exaggerating (which probably is this case because i am an over dramatic girl.)

Things will get better and i don't doubt that just the longer i let this bother me the longer it will take to get better. so from this day forward i will try and forget about it and maybe just maybe my life will not be an unfinished puzzle instead it will be a beautiful picture.

Have you ever?

Have you ever been stressed and not known what you're stressed about? i think that's how i am right now but i can't really tell........... you see my life it's very confusing and very frustrating sometimes and at the same time it doesn't make sense which is why it is probably frustrating..... Well you see School is just a burden to keep kids off the streets and from dealing drugs and stuff even though in most states they still do that sorta thing, then their are guys who just lead you on and act all sweet and kind but then they just randomly stop and you feel like you did something but you don't know what you did....? i feel that way a lot.... actually i have felt this all year... seriously from new years to now and probably for the next little while ... i feel guilty i just don't know what i am supposed to be feeling guilty for? hence the confusion... and the fact that people just don't seem to talk anymore. whats wrong with talking? seriously why don't we do it? all we do is text, email, chat, and face book and occasionally we talk... but what about its like we are hiding behind a shield of a computer screen just so we can hide from the world and share our feelings without really sharing them! why can't we all just be like beauty and the beast and dance and talk and laugh and have snowball fights? and occasionally eat with talking inanimate objects? that would make life a whole lot easier and then we could all just like each other by whats on the inside not our stupid looks!! And then there is the fact that some people just don't think anymore and say stupid things without meaning it.... i was forgiving... i put the past behind me and i gave him a whole new start! thinking everyone deserves a second chance! WRONG!!! when you say to my face that i am a part of your biggest problem! it's kind of hard to ignore! so here's the thing when people say mean things i try not to let it get to me but eventually it does... and when things get to me i get frustrated........ VERY frustrated! and when I'm frustrated all i do is bite my tongue and hold back tears and screams and violence that could randomly swing from my arms and legs and then i just sit there awkwardly and stare this death stare and wonder why people choose to do stupid things like that. why they choose to treat me like I'm not worth anything..... is that what they think? that they are sooooo superior that they can just rule over me and make me feel like dirt and make me feel like I'm not good enough of a person to talk to people or say things or just simply be me? because as far as i know being me is all i can do!! I'm sorry that your expectations in life aren't quite the same as mine and that i DONT think the opposite gender is evil and it is immoral to touch there hand or give them hugs! I'm sorry i don't like science! and I'm sorry i don't like you! You see Christ was the perfect example he said love everyone but you see Loving someone and liking someone are two different concepts.... first of all I love everyone and i don't hate anyone (lets get that straight) you can love without liking them because love is what you feel for everyone its a "i tolerate you" thing liking someone you have to tolerate, agree, have fun with, laugh, talk, and understand... i don't do any of those things with you therefore i don't like you! I'm not trying to be rude or just ongoing about this but when you say something that hurts and you let it simmer for a while things just get out and everything falls apart especially since for the past 18 days my life has been an emotional roller coaster..... trust me you don't want to get on my bad list right now because one move could get you in checkmate....... this is random and pretty much just me getting out my confusions of everything and nothing. the only thing i want to know is..... do people care? do they think before they ...... speak? type? text? leave? (without saying anything) sit across instead of beside you? does anyone even care anymore to even notice? no one notices anymore how people feel or how they respond to things or maybe they do and they just don't want to say anything because slowly we are losing our ability to talk and communicate normally. all you can do is live and let the days pass you even though they seem like a lifetime sometimes ... they will be worth it one day .... and if not that day then the next.....

Just any other thursday

So today kind of just sucked.
first of all i hate B days and everything is just so obnoxious right
now! Chemistry can go die in a hole! it doesn't make sense and never
will! seminary all i did was sit there very awkwardly and he made us all
write things about people in our class that we enjoyed about them.
truthfully my class is so obnoxious and loud and inappropriate i had nothing good to say
about at least ten of them. I wish that i liked my class i really do but i don't and i am glad that
i will never be with them again! if i ever am again i will most defiantly cry! or SCREAM or PUNCH someone! like i feel like doing every single B day! everything is just UGH!!! the only word i can use without freaking out or something!!!!! I'm sorry if i am being depressing its just everyone seems to be in there own world wile I'm stuck in some other universe completely!
I don't know this is just how i feel. kind of just floating along while everyone is just swimming the day away.
I have decided that the song OURS by Taylor swift fits me perfectly because "people throw rocks at things that shine." and i feel that everyone just tears people just so they can feel better about themselves and that's not right! stop thinking about yourself and think of others for a chance.! I have noticed that the adversary has teeth and He bites hard. what a jerk.....
oh well all i can do is stay positive but sometimes positive is hard when no one else is.
all i need is a rainbow.... rainbows make me happy .... and so does rain oddly enough.... all i want to do is dance in the rain and look at a rainbow and just laugh!!!!! laugh hard! very HARD!!!
Laughter is the best medicine for everything right? that and ICE CREAM!!!!!! :) ha ha one day Anna and i will have a venting session.... i need one badly.... just yell scream and cry while eating ice cream that's all i want in life.... not really i want everything but sometimes you only get some things.....and sometimes you get nothing at all or at least nothing you wanted. just think before you do something you regret that's all I'm asking..... no regrets..... but i guess that's too late.
and some people (certain people) just need to talk!!!!! to me!!

Disney land

I wrote this poem and it isn't that great but might as well share my feelings to the world since my life hasn't been normal since that day.... that day in disney land when my dreams were supposed to come true but failed epically into a pitof destruction and hatred and tears.... dramatic i know (yes i am a drama queen) at least thats what my sister tells me :) I don't really feelthis way anymore i have kind of just gotten over things and i am just annoyed now not at people just at life in general actually and maybe a feww people but i am trying to be the better person and not think about people badly but sometimes it's hard (fyi when i talk about people it has NOTHING to do with my poem just to make things clear) i just want everyone to move on in life and forget the terrible things we have said or done but it's not that easy and i am having trouble with that myself i talked to my sister about the dramas in my life and she keeps bringing it up and i just don't want to talk about it anymore.... i don't think people understand how i work.... it's easier for me to forget about things then it is to actually face them . i guess that's why i am so quiet (withsome people) but the truth is sometimes i just don't know what to say and so i say nothing at all that happens a lot and sometimes its difficult because i am such a hypocrit about people being non social when i realize that sometimes i am the most non social person i know. i don't like to gossip i truly don't i hate it when i talk about someone to someone else and all i say are terrible things and thats how they think of them from then on.... i don't like it so i have'nt done it lately and i am trying not to but my sister keeps bringing things up and i don't want to talk about them and i don't want anyone to think less of anyone else when i know they are not that type of person all of the time. i just don't want people to think less of one another thats all i ask for is world peace just one simple wish for everyone to stop the fighting, tears, lies, and secrets...... you hear things and you wish they weren't true but sometimes they are. If we were all honest and were open with eachother everything might be ok in this crazy messed up world. but it's not. instead it's a disaster and the more yiou try and fix things the worse they seem to get and they more you think about things the high expectations you have and the higher expectations you have the more you hurt when things don't happen. So please think before you speak, act or gossip. don't lower your standards to their level because i know for a fact..... i am not that type of person .... but sometimes i forget an i am sorry but we all make mistakes move on and don't stay in the past because each day is a gift. and that's why it's called the present. so live it to it's fullest the bet you can. and so now with that long introduction my poem........ Disneyland.

this place is full of dreams
at least thats what i thought
i was hoping for so much more
but all it was - was hot.
you filled me with expectations
with hopes and dreams galore
the things i wished upon the stars
and in your fountains all around
did not come true at all.
in fact they were no where to be found
i was waiting for your colors of all around the world
but when you finally came
i broke down beside teh curb
when water filled my eyes there was nothing i could see
but those stupid colors that kept reminding me.
I was fine and we were walking and you said you were sorry
i lied and said i was fine but i wasn't that next morning.
amd so this ends my story of life in that one day
and all that i can say it that
I truely wasn't ok.....

I am over this now or at least i am trying to forget about it but i am not going to let this control my life because i want to move forward i would rather move forward then stay in my depressing pit of despair alone when it is unnecassary. i know we all have trials and i can't say that i know how you feel but i can say i understand sometimes. more then people know. there are a lot of things people don't know about me and no one knows some things in my life. I have never told a soul about some things. i don't want to but eventually i will. but as for right now i don't want to live in my trials because i have found when you live in them they only get worse and worse till you dig a hole too deep to climb out of. no trial is to small that it doesn't have meaning . every fights there own battle and everyone chooses which side they are on. and when worse comes to worse and the world nocks you onto your knees just know that you are in the perfect position to pray.
Sincerely,
just a girl who wishes that life was as easy as adding 1+1 but knows that the problems just keep getting harder. but i keep getting stronger.

procrastination

You see i am a procrastinator. i have learned this recently. it is not a good trait i have and i never bother to fix it because i think hey eventually i will. not the best mind set but hey i never get around to it. i am working on my poetry portfolio that is due tomorrow for beesons class. i had most of it done except for writing the actual poems i only did about half of them actually.... you have to be in the write mood to write i have learned that lately and whenever i feel like writing or i have an idea i never have paper so it doesn't work out very well. so i have been writing poems all weekend while working on math and chemistry extra credit that i am still not done with......... all i have to do is finish writing poems and then i can be done then i will do my chemistry and maybe some of my math homework and study a bit but i really don't want to...... i kind of just want to quit school and become a Disney princess and live in a beach house and just play my way through life.... but i know that's not going to happen no matter how much i want it... i know life takes work and we all learn to work at school.... but school doesn't realize that sometimes i don't have time for it all the time and sometimes i need an extra break or maybe just a little more time.... but that won't happen now will it? so i am just an over worked teenager at this point who fears getting my report card because then i will see how much my effort actually got me.... even though i was wanting so much more... oh well that's life what can you do but just go with it. try my hardest i really do but there is only so much you can try before all your energy is gone and you just give up cause there is no way out..... but there are those rare second chances but you have to look for them. and search your heart and soul. oh well i better get back to my homework now... although this was a nice little break..... i will hopefully be alive tomorrow and hopefully awake... although probably not i will just act awake but truly my eyes are close and i am taking a nap in my head.... so don't wake me until we meet again i bid thee farewell.

Back to December....

I wish i could go back... back in time back to when i had time and hopes and dreams and expectations of tour but sadly i can't i wish i could have said some things and told people how i really felt instead of saying i was ok when i wasn't. Tour was ok but not great it had its ups and downs but it ended on a sour note..... Disney land was wonderful the first day i was happy excited laughing a ton and had the best time with friends. the second day could have gone better. i wish i was with those same friends as the day before but sadly i wasn't i was still with some of them but i was missing a certain person. we had talked about going to see the world of color together as a group .... it didn't happen. they saw it before the rest of us and while we were watching it by the Farris wheel i cried i didn't ball but i cried. and shed some tears i wasn't sad (ok maybe a little) but i was frustrated and i just wanted to be there with everyone else but i wasn't and i was pretty fine until he said he was sorry he wasn't with me and asked if i was ok and i lied. i wasn't ok but what can change the past? nothing! and i said yeah... and after that i regreted it and in my heart i was heartbroken and i wish he would have seen it with me but he didn't.... i was pretty stable and having a great time until it started singing so close. anyways i am sick of talking about that, its my fault i said what i did and pretended it was ok there is nothing i can do to change that now. anyways band fest was the next day and we spent a ton of time at band fest and riding the bus then we went to a pointless stake dance that i wish we never even had to go to ever! we were all exhausted and none of us wanted to stay up late surprise we wanted sleep! but no we didn't get any! surprise! :p anyway the next day we woke up early for church and then heard amazing speakers and then we went to the beach and swam in the freezing cold water! and Erik totally dunked me! i was freezing and my swim suit soaked through my pants and it looked very awkward... then we had to take a stupid Hollywood tour and i slept for the first part of it i think since i can't remember half of the stuff.... and to make it worse our tour guide had a weird accent that no one could figure out where she was from and then we sat on the bus listening to pointless things that no one really cared about then they let us walk around Hollywood...... it is a terrible place! inappropriate pictures and people are smoking and drinking and then there are homeless people sitting in trashcan getting high and eating pringles! it is so ridiculous! why would anyone want to live there life like that!? we all hated it and just wanted to leave! and eventually we did but we didn't leave soon enough that's for sure! then we all went to bed early and Wake up at like 4 to get ready for the parade and we did the rose parade and it wasn't as hard as i thought it was just annoying to have people scream at you from the crowd but other than that it wasn't that bad then we went back to the hotel went swimming and then pretty much just sat in our room and watched TV and then i took some walks just thinking about stuff and that was pretty my much my experience and i will spare you the little details and such but overall it wasn't terrible but it could have been better. just think before you say things because things get around and some secrets aren't kept. and they hurt people especially when they thought you were better than that but obviously you proved me wrong don't talk smack don't say things when you don't know the situation and don't call me something that i am most defiantly NOT! if you have a problem say it to my face not to your room hiding in shame from us because if i could describe what i feel its disappointment...... and being disappointed in someone is worse then being mad.