Oh I'm staring at the mess I made

I can't believe how big of an idiot ive been
I've loved him all along
but of course i couldn't tell anyone that
then that would mean a chance of getting hurt or worse
me hurting him...
but it looks like doing nothing made both of those things happen.
I don't do well with pressure
and if i said anything obviously it would either ruin our friendship or change everything forever
and now i won't know either way
i told him how i felt because i knew i would regret not doing it
it only took me a month to decide whether or not that was a good or bad thing to do,
and now it looks like it didn't matter at all...
I professed my undying love and affection,
and what happens,
absolutely nothing.
he sat and stared at me, emotionless, not caring, as if it had never mattered.
and i guess it didn't to him but it did to me
it still does.
how could it not?
he's my best friend
my everything
but if he is happier without me
i can deal with that
eventually
but not right now,
i need time, i need to know not to ever do anything this stupid again
it's going to take to be friends again
or maybe we never will again.
i don't know and im not sure
but i just have to remember God has a plan for me
and sometimes patience is apart of that
and it looks like i'm in the middle of learning the importance of it.
"the hardest thing about 'everything happens for a reason' is waiting for thee reason to come along."
Sincerely, 18 and waiting

p.s. if you haven't listened to the band parachute you should because they connect to your heart and soul in every situation, along with scriptures, the temple, and amazing friends, thank you for all those who have helped me this past week, it's been a rough one, and i promise to return the favor. Love you all, forever and always!

oh darlin never grow up

I haven't posted in a while...
I think I have just forgotten  about different things I used to do
so much has happened
I'm graduating soon
I'm growing up
I'm practically waiting for a missionary
and I'm watching kids so often I feel like their mother...
It took watching four (ridiculous crazy and amazing) children to realize that maybe what I want isn't what I want.
My first day of my last few months of Sunday school... we talk about the changes to come
and literally I am handed a baby (a little boy I was watching over the weekend)
and it felt like my life had just flown away...
I now had responsibilities
I mean I have had them before but not like this
it hadn't seemed real
I wake up go to school eat what my parents have and got home and go to bed in my own bed
this is all I have known
this is not what I prepared for
feeling this way...
maybe I don't want to go to college
I mean I have always wanted to move out and have that experience
but now I don't
maybe I don't want to leave ever
maybe I just want to stay the same
but I know that can't happen
and that scares me.
I talk about marriage because I feel like have been prepared for that step in my life
but what if I'm not..
what if I make huge mistakes or marry the wrong person?
how can I ever function with that...
I know ill go to college maybe stay at home or maybe move away it all
depends on what I feel is right.
thinking of my life these past few years two years (waiting for a missionary) just seems like the longest time
but now I feel like maybe it's not long enough
I know I will miss him beyond comprehension and that's ok I know he is in a good place with good people
but at the same time I don't want him to come back and we just get married because that's the next step in life
I need more time than two years ... ill only be twenty
I know it's the social norm to be young and get married
but I don't want to be that girl who gets engaged right out of high school
I have never ever wanted that
I have talked with a few of my friends who are planning on getting married soon after graduation
that isn't for me
there are so many places I haven't been able to see yet or be apart
now I could go with my husband I'm not saying I couldn't
but it just makes it more difficult when you have a mortgage and kids on the way
I want to be a nanny in new York for a year
I want to travel to Europe to study different cultures and religions and the art they have there
I want to at least get a few years of school under my belt
I want to date around just to be sure
I want to be a missionary (not full time but I do want to help bring the gospel to people that is beyond a doubt something I need to do)
I want to have crazy roommate stories
I want to dance and sing and go to plays
I want to see my friends leave and come home new and better people
I want to be able to do so much that it's unreal how little time I have to do this
there are just some things you can't do when you're married
I know this makes me sound a little selfish
(or maybe a lot)
but honestly I'm just scared to leave all I have known to go into a world that isn't anything like what I have seen as an outsider
I still don't know what I want to be
dental assistant? Baker? store owner? designer? Psychologist?
so many options
so many interests
and everyone wants you to decide what you are going to do for the rest of your life
in a matter of a click of a button
everyone expects either marriage or mission papers after graduation
I don't want that expectation
I want to set my own rules for my own life
why must we live in this fear of pleasing others?
because we don't know how to please ourselves first
sincerely,
I have the dreams of a child looking through the eyes of an adult

it takes two to tango

so i have this certain dilemma
three boys
one me
one i want
he's not there
do i really want him though?
all in one day...
i went to ice cream with one
held hands with another
and the other professed his love to me
I'm at a lost
either way i lose
i can't handle it
i can't make everyone happy
i can't be the one they really want
what i really want is to just be free
no strings attached
i want to be able to see whoever .. whenever
i don't need to be told good morning and goodnight
i don't need rich and glamorous
i don't need to be told im beautiful
i don't need a shadow
i need to be alone
i need to be myself
i need to figure things out
im in highschool
i don't want to ruin friendships
i don't want to be marked as someones property
i want to be free
i had a chat with a new friend
we talked of love and realtionships
we decided those thigns on facebook that describes the perfect guy aren't really for the guy
we decided that thos things are there to look at and be more of a checklist
but once you actually have those things, it's not the things that make you happy but the person.
all three of these boys  make me  happy
they make me feel special
and they care about me i can tell
but right now i can't care for them
i can't be theirs
i can't be the one who gives all my attention to them
i can't be the person they want me to be
i need to be myself
i need to just date and be happy
i just need to forget about people and care about me
i can't be the one to pick up their self esteems
or the one to listen to their problems
that seems to be all i have ever been for people
and honestly im done
i want someone to like me for me
not just because i listen to them
i want to be able to not care about my weight or hair or clothes
i want to wear sweats and come back from running and still be the same person to them
i want to take walks by myself and not be asked what's wrong
i want to be able to think for myself
i dont want to be asked whats wrong when nothing is
i just want to float in the wind and be able to land where im supposed to
one's a company, twos a crowd, and threes a party
i just need time
it's almost midnight and my fairytale may just turn into a nightmare
Sincerely,
Cinderella didn't prepare me for this one...

how to respond....

i haven't posted in months... as you can tell but it's probably indifferent to you anyways so here's what's happened...
pretty much i had a season of color guard pass me by.
schools a bore but somehow i survived until spring break...
now i feel dead to the world
Friday i am making cupcakes for a wedding and after that my life will be much more at ease
i auditioned for field rifle today... and while it was an experience that was fascinating
all i ever want to be is a flag....
i wrote my application to dental assisting and i still have no clue whats going to happen
i had my flag captain interview and i just want it so badly
occasionally i go on walks in the rain.
sometimes i feel like a girly rebel riding a moped
all of my seniors are leaving and growing up
i learned how to make "better then anything cake"
sometimes i miss my best friend... we haven't talked in a while
sometimes march 21st occurs and sometimes reoccurs
sometimes i just think I'm a bad person but i know I'm not
sometimes we interview bishops in seminary and they comfort me because they said i was doing better then i thought
sometimes i find a gorgeous prom dress
sometimes I'm too short
sometimes i look at myself and feel like i have changed for the better
sometimes i forget about people i used to know and I'm ok with that
sometimes i read scriptures with chase and he tells me everything is going to be ok
sometimes people just don't see how there actions affect other people
sometimes face book is stupid
sometimes people are stupid
sometimes i just want to sleep
and sometimes i just want to eat Dorito's or pizza for as long as i can
sometimes i just need a break
sincerely,
welcome to my stressed out life

flirtations and temptations

ugh ....... once again this is a post about a boy
let's call them C and J
so I have been hanging out with C a lot lately
but I have still been talking to J just in casual conversations
then I explain to C that I don't want a relationship
he understood.... at least that's what I thought
things happened now I'm not sure if I like J or C
personally they both have great qualities I just
don't understand how I got all mixed up
if I really like them or just want to like them
or if I'm being honest or just using C I just
don't know how I feel.....
any advice? i need all the help I can get.....
sincerely,
confused as ever......

a choice or a reason

I have been contemplating a lot of different choices lately
I have made pros and cons.... cons won
maybe because I'm too stubborn but honestly maybe I just didn't want a reason pursue it
maybe I'm scared maybe I just need time
maybe I don't want anyone to get hurt
maybe Idon't want to be the one to hurt him
maybe Idon't wantto be his excuse or his reason......
but I feel like I should give him a chance
because after all .... wouldn't I want a chance?
wouldn't Iwant to prove myself?
wouldn't I want " love"
i just feel the need todo something
Ineed to be there.....
but I don't want a rerun of last year
I don't want to be an excuse.....
I just want to be me....
but I don't want to get hurt.....
sincerely,
is my reason good enough to make my choice..... ?

valentines day and questions....

so yesterday i had a pretty good day considering i wasn't expecting anything....
i got a note in the school news paper which i knew about in advance
so it wasn't that big of a deal but the same guy gave me a box of candy (mike and Ike's) with a note.... that said he likes how nice i am (I'm not that nice lets get real....)
but it was still sweet and made me smile then here comes the blush.... so um i was sitting in my history class by the door doing a project with tony and Erik
and two people i don't know when the flower people come in
and the first name they announce is mine.... i blush I'm sure super red so everyone can see and people are clapping (which was so unnecessary btw)
and then they said..... oh wait no here's another one....
and by that point I'm just confused and then they said oh wait one more......
i got three flowers
hopefully not all from newspaper boy because then it would just be weird....
but it made me smile and tony just died of laughter
and Erik was in aw it made my day and
possibly my whole year because honestly
i just liked knowing someone cared :)
sincerely,
i wish i had another day....