Oh I'm staring at the mess I made

I can't believe how big of an idiot ive been
I've loved him all along
but of course i couldn't tell anyone that
then that would mean a chance of getting hurt or worse
me hurting him...
but it looks like doing nothing made both of those things happen.
I don't do well with pressure
and if i said anything obviously it would either ruin our friendship or change everything forever
and now i won't know either way
i told him how i felt because i knew i would regret not doing it
it only took me a month to decide whether or not that was a good or bad thing to do,
and now it looks like it didn't matter at all...
I professed my undying love and affection,
and what happens,
absolutely nothing.
he sat and stared at me, emotionless, not caring, as if it had never mattered.
and i guess it didn't to him but it did to me
it still does.
how could it not?
he's my best friend
my everything
but if he is happier without me
i can deal with that
eventually
but not right now,
i need time, i need to know not to ever do anything this stupid again
it's going to take to be friends again
or maybe we never will again.
i don't know and im not sure
but i just have to remember God has a plan for me
and sometimes patience is apart of that
and it looks like i'm in the middle of learning the importance of it.
"the hardest thing about 'everything happens for a reason' is waiting for thee reason to come along."
Sincerely, 18 and waiting

p.s. if you haven't listened to the band parachute you should because they connect to your heart and soul in every situation, along with scriptures, the temple, and amazing friends, thank you for all those who have helped me this past week, it's been a rough one, and i promise to return the favor. Love you all, forever and always!

oh darlin never grow up

I haven't posted in a while...
I think I have just forgotten  about different things I used to do
so much has happened
I'm graduating soon
I'm growing up
I'm practically waiting for a missionary
and I'm watching kids so often I feel like their mother...
It took watching four (ridiculous crazy and amazing) children to realize that maybe what I want isn't what I want.
My first day of my last few months of Sunday school... we talk about the changes to come
and literally I am handed a baby (a little boy I was watching over the weekend)
and it felt like my life had just flown away...
I now had responsibilities
I mean I have had them before but not like this
it hadn't seemed real
I wake up go to school eat what my parents have and got home and go to bed in my own bed
this is all I have known
this is not what I prepared for
feeling this way...
maybe I don't want to go to college
I mean I have always wanted to move out and have that experience
but now I don't
maybe I don't want to leave ever
maybe I just want to stay the same
but I know that can't happen
and that scares me.
I talk about marriage because I feel like have been prepared for that step in my life
but what if I'm not..
what if I make huge mistakes or marry the wrong person?
how can I ever function with that...
I know ill go to college maybe stay at home or maybe move away it all
depends on what I feel is right.
thinking of my life these past few years two years (waiting for a missionary) just seems like the longest time
but now I feel like maybe it's not long enough
I know I will miss him beyond comprehension and that's ok I know he is in a good place with good people
but at the same time I don't want him to come back and we just get married because that's the next step in life
I need more time than two years ... ill only be twenty
I know it's the social norm to be young and get married
but I don't want to be that girl who gets engaged right out of high school
I have never ever wanted that
I have talked with a few of my friends who are planning on getting married soon after graduation
that isn't for me
there are so many places I haven't been able to see yet or be apart
now I could go with my husband I'm not saying I couldn't
but it just makes it more difficult when you have a mortgage and kids on the way
I want to be a nanny in new York for a year
I want to travel to Europe to study different cultures and religions and the art they have there
I want to at least get a few years of school under my belt
I want to date around just to be sure
I want to be a missionary (not full time but I do want to help bring the gospel to people that is beyond a doubt something I need to do)
I want to have crazy roommate stories
I want to dance and sing and go to plays
I want to see my friends leave and come home new and better people
I want to be able to do so much that it's unreal how little time I have to do this
there are just some things you can't do when you're married
I know this makes me sound a little selfish
(or maybe a lot)
but honestly I'm just scared to leave all I have known to go into a world that isn't anything like what I have seen as an outsider
I still don't know what I want to be
dental assistant? Baker? store owner? designer? Psychologist?
so many options
so many interests
and everyone wants you to decide what you are going to do for the rest of your life
in a matter of a click of a button
everyone expects either marriage or mission papers after graduation
I don't want that expectation
I want to set my own rules for my own life
why must we live in this fear of pleasing others?
because we don't know how to please ourselves first
sincerely,
I have the dreams of a child looking through the eyes of an adult