Dating.....

No this is not some post about my "first date" because well it has yet to happen.

and frankly i really don't want it too right now.

 i thought i was so prepared for dating a few months ago
but due to recent event all i can say is right now i could care less

 if i never go on one because what's the point?

yesterday i went to my cousins bridal shower we played games and such

and talked ad opened her gifts.

 all i can say is that they are Perfect for each other they match

like bacon and eggs and jam to bread.

but after the shower was over we stayed for like five more hours!

which was long but totally worth it.

we talked about allot of things (my aunts and cousins and i. )

we talked about temple marriage, dating,

and encouraging the boys our age to go on missions,

 not just our friends but our family memers also.

adn then i made the coment

"well i wouldn't marry him unless he had served a mission"

 and i have thought about that alot today actually a missionary spoke in our ward

about home teachers but really focused on the family and what a family really is

and i thoguht some more about that then i went to a fireside about standards

 and the same missionary spoke again and talked about dating.

and all i can really say is that i almost cried with what he said.in fact i think i did...

not publicly but in might heart i was balling. 

the way he spoke the experiences he shared, what it made me think of.

 it made me realize i knew what i was supposed to all along.

it took a stranger to speak twice on two different things and to say

 "i didn't want to share this but i feel i should"

as he shares the storie of his high school "girlfriends"

that he kew he shouldn't have had and kept secret from his parents

so he wouldn't get lectured about it and then he made a point.  

he said in his senior year he didn't have a girlfiriend and it was the best year of his life.

He dated around and dated a bunch of different girls.

he said that he found out more about himself in that year than he ever had before.

then to myself i thought

this was exactly what i needed to hear.

i needed to know this.

i neededto respect this.

and i needed to realize that after high school you forget.

you forget what classes you took.

how long you spent on a project.

how long you dated someone.

who you dated.

who your friends were.

why you did things.

what your goals were.

and what the style was.

high school is like a bike.

but high school is the training wheels for the real world.

the real world everyone goes there seperate ways.

even if you say you won't you probably will.

some people you stay in contact with.

but... those you would call your best friends in high school

become someone you have memories with but go seperate ways.

even if you don't want to.

thats how it works...

you graduate.

you go to college

or not

you move away.

you get married 

and you start a new life with someone

you probably never met in high school.

seeing the bigger picture is the key.

because in the end you are sealed for time and all eternity with the one you love

and that's all that really matters

is being with them and your family.

it matters to have friends but what shouldn't matter is the drama that happens.

high school doesn't have love...

sad fact but true...

some may argue that point and say i married my high school sweetheart and whatever

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean it happens for everyone.

espescially in high school

the odds of that actually working out for a lifetime are not worth the risk to me.

i want to marry a return missionary.

someone with standards.

someone who calls me a princess.

who treats me right.

who knows how i feel.

who is my best friend.

who knows the temple is where happiness is.

someone who holds the priesthood rightously.

who smiles.

who is optimistic.

who knows me.

and most of all loves me through everything.

through hard times, trials, bad hair days, faults, differences, and for being me.

i don't want to change for anyone.

nor will i

never.

i am me.

that's all i want to be.

and that's all i will be.

but i will say this.

i'm sorry i am mean.

to people.

to those who deserve better than what they got.

to those who i am trying to forgive.

to that one who keeps coming to my mind.

for the words i have said the things i didn't mean

and most of all the way i made you dissappointed.

yes dissapointed.

and for that i don't know why you were

probably because i wasn't worth your time

but thanks for giving me the time you did.

it made me realize something abotu myself.

I AM a Daughter Of God.

I have potential.

I have faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge,

choices that i am accountable for,

good works, integrity,

and most impotantly

virtue.

but that doesn't mean i am perfect.

and i am ok with that.

I am sorry i wasn't perfect for you.

im sorry i was such a distraction and worthless in your eyes.

but in my eyes.

you were a learning experience.

you were worth it at the time.

I dont' regret it

even if i want to i don't

because

"don't regret anything because at one

time it was EXACTLY what you wanted."

and it's true i did want it.

i wanted so much more than i should have.

and yet i only wish i didn't.

but at the same time all i can say is thank you.

no because you ruined it

our friendship, trust and such.

but because you made me see what happens when

i lie, break rules, promises i made to myself

when i hurt those around me, when i am selfish, inconsiderate

and for a small but large moment

forget who i am and what i stand for.

how could i forget?

I never want to again.

and i don't think i will allow myself to

at least i hope not....

all i hope for is things to get better

to be back to normal as much as they can be.

but as for right now just realize who you are.

what you are

and where you want to go....

sincerely,

I am going somewhere.