Talking with life....

All last night I thought of this moment and cried... waited to wake up and wait and hear his voice... now I hear it and I wish that I would be able to hold back the tears that fall from my eyes. Having a missionary out is hard and I understand that it probably is never easy for anyone. but knowing that he is in a different country with terrible living conditions and dirt floors and unsanitary food just adds to the pain and the tears. i miss him.... there i said it ... i have missed him since the day he left and i haven't stopped... everyday i think about him and imagine his face and voice and i wish he was still here.... but he's not. and i understand why but it still doesn't mean that it makes it any easier. at times i wish he wasn't there but i know he has to be and he is there for a reason. I talked to him and i couldn't control my emotions i just wanted to cry. but i held back the tears enough for him to speak and have a conversation with him and try to act like everything is normal and nothing has changed. but i have changed and so has he. his voice wasn't the same it wasn't the him that i knew and i think that bothered me everyone has changed and i understand that but it doesn't mean that i am OK with it. we all moved on with our lives but part of us is still in the past waiting for the two years to be up and for the rest of us to catch up. but that doesn't work for me. i want the other half of me that's gone i want it back ... but i can't for a while.. it's how i feel. I'm not sad, mad, angry, i am just frustrated. not at anyone in particular or at anything. just in general. i have been for a while and i am sorry if i have shown it and made anyone else feel badly its not on purpose just sometimes i have bad days or weeks or lately bad months. I'm sorry if i have affected anyone in a bad way i have just been overwhelmed with a lot of things in my life. i have been overwhelmed with trials and the adversary has really hit me in the face lately multiple times. just realize that i love you all. and just realize how lucky you truly are....... you never know what you have until its gone.