Oh I'm staring at the mess I made

I can't believe how big of an idiot ive been
I've loved him all along
but of course i couldn't tell anyone that
then that would mean a chance of getting hurt or worse
me hurting him...
but it looks like doing nothing made both of those things happen.
I don't do well with pressure
and if i said anything obviously it would either ruin our friendship or change everything forever
and now i won't know either way
i told him how i felt because i knew i would regret not doing it
it only took me a month to decide whether or not that was a good or bad thing to do,
and now it looks like it didn't matter at all...
I professed my undying love and affection,
and what happens,
absolutely nothing.
he sat and stared at me, emotionless, not caring, as if it had never mattered.
and i guess it didn't to him but it did to me
it still does.
how could it not?
he's my best friend
my everything
but if he is happier without me
i can deal with that
eventually
but not right now,
i need time, i need to know not to ever do anything this stupid again
it's going to take to be friends again
or maybe we never will again.
i don't know and im not sure
but i just have to remember God has a plan for me
and sometimes patience is apart of that
and it looks like i'm in the middle of learning the importance of it.
"the hardest thing about 'everything happens for a reason' is waiting for thee reason to come along."
Sincerely, 18 and waiting

p.s. if you haven't listened to the band parachute you should because they connect to your heart and soul in every situation, along with scriptures, the temple, and amazing friends, thank you for all those who have helped me this past week, it's been a rough one, and i promise to return the favor. Love you all, forever and always!